Absit Invidia

..kuchingching..

2012-01-26T17:47:00.000+08:00

Before all, I would like to wish you a Happy Chinese New Year 2012. A couple of days late, but we are still in CNY ya. Although, not the same with the mood though. Some people, including myself, are already working since yesterday. Not much fun there, but hey, it's all about the moneh!

Here's cat not liking my embrace because he had a tummyache first day of CNY. Poor thing. But's he's better now! ^^

Here's me sis and I. (Once again, I do not see the resemblance. Too many people say that I look like her. I seriously disagree.) And yes, I'd been abusing that shirt.

Anyways, My sis and I went to Kuching a week ago for fun. I mean, we didn't really planned anything before going there except buying the flights and booking the hotel room. We kinda just wanted to getaway from the city for a while.

We knew that there aren't a lot of things to do in Kuching. And we know that the only thing we can do it get out of the town and head towards the greeneries. However, we didn't expect all those packages to be so darn expensive.

So, we ended up hanging out near the hotel and didn't do anything much. We had fun though, despite the occasional boredom. Anyway. here are some pix I ripped off from my own album in FB. I didn't bring the thumbdrive filled with the spare photos. Just wanted to document the mou-liu-ness from our trip.

My super cute luggage bag I bought for myself as a Christmas gift last month. I can see it from 20 yards away on the luggage carousel in airport muahahahah

Kuching is no Kuching without kucings.

Uweeee~

Sis insisted that I make this trip into a photoshooting trip for her. So, yes. Bear yourself in the upcoming pix....

But before all that, lets have some scenery pix now.

Nothing beats sitting on a sampan and watching the sunset. Oh gosh, it made my whole Kuching trip worthwhile.

♥

I love how the sunset turn into such romantic colour after the bright yellow-orange-red. ♥

Sis took this pic and I LOVE IT. It looks like a scene from pirates of the caribbean or something HAHAHAh /perasan. To the fountain of youth, WE GO!

Non-stop checking facebook this woman. =_=

I SAW THIS POOR CAT at the Spring shopping mall T_T We had chicken wing and she came begging for food. SERIOUS begging! We only had some bones so we gave it to her and she ate it all! It's not good for her but no choice coz we were having tea and snacks at that time. But when I gave her a piece of wing with extra meat on it, she took it away. I followed her and SHE BROUGHT THE MEATY WINGS FOR HER BABIES! T______T I seriously almost teared. Mommy cat ate all the meatless bones but took the meaty bones to her kids. T___T I wanna give her the greatest mommy award T___T BAWWW It wasn't just once. Coz i tried again giving her meaty bones, and ONCE AGAIN she took it back to her kittens. ;_; gosh... I'm so touched. That is why I always say, animals have more heart than human beings.

Here comes the... photoshoot. Well, I thought it's kinda.... annoying to put all pix so, I'm just gonna put a few of my favourites. Actually there are more lah, maybe I'll put more next post lah. Lazy now.

LV bag advertisement hahahah.

Can you believe it, she was squealing her head off when she saw these pix. She told me that she'd always wanted to take modelesque pix but nobody ever manage to take nice ones for her. wtf.

Anyway, I TRIED TOO. But serious fail coz I can never take a picture without making faces. This one I look like some sifu ordering her disciples to go die. HAAHHHAH /lame I rike my hair though. heh

I dunno if this is fashion faux pas or not but this shirt makes me look like I'm not wearing any pants. BUT I DID.

Actually, I have a lot more from this blue dress batch but I do not have the thumbdrive with me now. Also, I feel like, I look damn weird in it lah coz I attempted to pose and all. Shites. Maybe I should just keep it and not show. But then, nobody ever see this blog, so maybe I can just 'show without really showing', ya know what I mean. wtf

LAST DAY! waiting for taxi, which never came T_T Oh yeah, those curls aren't real. I mean, they are temporarily. Sis bought this curls-making set thingy from Malacca and she tried it on me. Apparently I look nice in curls, but I don't see it. I thought I already look old without curls, and it only put more years to my age. Darn it.

Anyways, I'm happy to see so many pix in this blog again! ^^ It's always nice to have more pix than words. But sometimes, words just needed to be let out from my chest.

Alrighty then, Happy CNY to all Chinese again and Gung Hay Fatt Choy!

Have a nice day, folk.

..whispers..

2012-01-18T04:10:00.000+08:00

They climb the mountains, carve a hole on a tree, tell their secrets directly to the hole and then bury it with mud - so nobody will ever know their secrets.

..old habits dies hard..

2012-01-10T20:26:00.002+08:00

Last month my colleague went to Melbourne (again - for the second time in 2011) and for some reasons, she spends like an insane woman there and bought everyone gifts. It might be the exciting combination of Christmas, new year and yearly bonus (woot, woot).

So, she bought me two pairs (mind you, it's TWO not ONE) of flats and she thinks it's normal to buy two pairs of shoes for colleague as souvenirs. Anyway, it's from Cotton On and it's hell a lot cheaper there in Aussie because the brand is from there and yada yada yada.

Sorry, it will take me years to get to the main point of this post because I get sidetracked easily and I had enough of jumping to the points in my articles. Let me be tad long-winded here please.

So, she brought the shoes to me at work, insidiously asked me to go to her cubicle to get them because, well... there will always be somebody else who will be jealous?

Then, I went there and view at the shoes that she bought me. They are really pretty (I'll post pix next time). One is a pair of loafers that has this faux Missoni kinda design (zigzags goes parallel instead of horizontal) and the other is a pair of sneakers that has floral designs. I'd been looking for both styles for quite a long time (I love quirky-looking shoes, I know floral sneakers aren't that quirky but that faux missoni is) and am really happy with the gifts.

While I was admiring the quirkiness (sorry, vocab goes kaboom today, a lot repetitive words here) of the shoes and expressing my gratitude towards said colleague, there comes this woman (a resident staff in our office, in her late 40s, not married) gawking at my shoes. Ehem, MY shoes.

What happened next was.. unbelievable.

Woman: Ohh, these are some lovely shoes! (Old school resident staffs in my office have this weird British-feel to their speech, not accents, just the way they express themselves)

Me: Yeah...

Woman: Where did you buy them???

Me: Errr errrr (started to feel rather uncomfortable because nobody was suppose to intrude this quiet and personal discussion between my colleague and I)

Colleague: Oh, I bought them from Melbourne. (She doesn't really like to tell the whole office where she went or planning to go for holidays)

Woman: Ohhh Ohhh... I see. You went to Melbourne ya? You just went is it? You just came back ya? I didn't noticed that you weren't at your table yada yada yada

Colleague and Me: *nervous and awkward laughters*

Woman: Yeah yeah. Anyway, what size are these? *looks at me*

Me: Size 38.

Woman: *eyes lift up* Ohhhh I'm size 38 too! *looks at colleague* How did you know her size ya? *Looks at me* You told her?

Me: Yeah *awkward laughs* ( At this point, I really didn't know where she is going at. and I thought her questions were stupid and ignorant)

Colleague: Yeah I asked for the size of her feet before I went. Yeah..

Woman: Oh I see.... How much are these? *Looks at colleague* Are you planning to sell these away?

Colleague: *Looks bewildered* Errr, no? I bought them for her *points at me*

Woman: Ohhh You bought both of them for her ya? *Looks at me* Since you have two pairs, would you mind if you sell this to me? *Holds on to the floral sneakers*

At this point, colleague and I threw bewildered glances to each other. We were both like, "WTFFFF????"

Colleague: No!! I bought these for her as gifts!

Woman: Ohhh, *looks at me* Not you asked her to buy for you is it???

Colleague: YEAH (From this point start, colleague answered almost everything for me because I was too shocked to say anything)

Woman: Ohhhh *looks at me* Then can you sell them to me?

Me: O_________O;;

Colleague: NO! I bought these for her as gifts! (note: see how she repeated the same words as mentioned above?)

Woman: Ohh okay okay.. BUT DO YOU LIKE THEM?

My brain: OMFG WHAT THE FUCK ????

Me: Errrr yeah....

Colleague: Of course! She has been finding for these for a long time! That's why I bought for her!

Woman: *KEEPS HOLDING ON TO THE FLORAL SNEAKERS* But do you like them enough to let it go? *SERIOUS FACE*

My brain: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Colleague: NO!!! She loves them and she is going to keep them! I bought these for her. It's from this brand called Cotton On and it's available here too! You can find these there!

Woman: Ohhh ohhh I see. So you can find these here ya? I never really seen this before *STILL HOLDING ON TO MY FLORAL SNEAKERS*.

Colleague: Oh, maybe you are looking into the wrong shops. You should go to Cotton On coz it's available here too.

Woman: Oh, if it's available here then why did you buy from there?

Colleague: Because they are having sales now and it's cheaper there.

Woman: ohh I see I see. So, you can find these here too ya? Where ah?

Colleague went on telling her where Cotton On is available and yada yada yada

Woman: Oh okay okay. *looks at shoes then look at me* So, are you sure you want this?

My brain: INGLIP.JPG OMG THIS WOMAN ISN'T GIVING UP

Me: Yeah, I want it. I've been looking for this for a long time.

Colleague: YEAH.

Woman: Okay okay. *FINARRY PUTS DOWN ZE SHOES - looks at colleague* SO, I can find these here ya?

Colleague and I: YEAH.

Woman stood up and walked away. Colleague and I went PHEWWWWWW wtf

NEVER in my life I'd experienced such ridiculous barter system. This is beyond ridiculous in many factors one of it is that THIS woman is in her late 40s. And she wants a pair of young-ish floral sneakers from a 22 year-old. And she wasn't doing to give up at all.

Secondly, I was really shocked at that behaviour. If she was any younger I would have asked myself "Who the fuck are the parents, teaching their kid to bargain with people this way OR ogle at other people's possession???"

That was seriously mind-boggling. Although I'd been around for two years, I never really had any conversation with this woman. The only times I would speak to her are probably water-cooler conversations about traffic and such.

But there was one time when she caught my attention. There was this one time when she walked into the pantry and saw my colleague and I and said " You two are getting heavier! Better go work out or something!"

My colleague and I responded with a laugh, as if it's a joke but Woman had a serious face. I wasn't really offended because I know that I am fat. And I know I should take care of my weight and health. But, there is no need to say things that way, ya know?

I know there are people who has verbal diarrhea. Sometimes I am like that too but I'm trying my best to control my speech. I'm young, I make stupid mistakes, I say stupid things.

However, this is the case... it's the lack of manners, you know? How can a highly educated woman at her late 40s can be so... rude and intrusive? How can she ask for things like that? Doesn't she understand the sentence "I BOUGHT FOR HER AS GIFTS"?

I mean, common sense! Even if I DON'T LIKE the pair, do you think I can just simply sell them away? I have manners! I don't sell things that people GAVE ME AS PRESENTS!

Some people say, aiya they are old, that's why they behave like children! HELLO, SHE IS NOT THAT OLD! And no matter how old someone can be, they will still retain their good manners. Things that they learn since young. UNLESS, they never learn any of it at all.

Good Manners. I think it is the first thing you should teach your kids. What is yours, what's not yours and you cannot take it from others. You cannot even ogle at things that belong to others. These are what my father taught me since I was a child.

This incident taught me something. That is manners simply does not exist in some older people. Being older doesn't mean they have good manners. They can be rude, crude and intrusive as a child too.

Good manners also doesn't come with education. So what if you are highly educated? If you have no manners, then you are just shit to me.

And I dislike people with zero common sense. It's one thing if you start talking about unrealistic things when you feel down or sad. But if you start speaking like an idiot even when you are clear-headed, then I really have nothing to say.

People like that has no logic. No rationality. And they simply do not care how other people think. They just want things to go through nicely for themselves. In this case, Woman is the best example.

She doesn't care if I want the shoes or not. She doesn't care if it's a gift. She just want the shoes.

Believe it or not, Woman went on to bug my colleague even days after I hid my shoes in the seven seas. Asking her questions like "Where to get them?" and "Cotton --- what?" .

I really have nothing to say about this. This is the first time ever I encountered such people. I will not walk near her on a fifty feet bridge.

That's all folks, I rest my case.

..explosions..

2012-01-05T19:55:00.000+08:00

So, it was new year eve almost a week ago and I took some photos of the fireworks on display nearby my new place. The display was quiet near this time and thanks to the balcony, my pictures do not have any window frames blocking as usual...

I figured out I need to put the pictures some where. Thought of putting in my flickr account but it is usually filled with my lomo films, so I don't really want to put my digital photos there. Hence, here are the pix and I only liked two of them because the rest were kind of... out and didn't caught in time or my hands were moving in excitement wtf.

I cropped most of them and rotated some of them too because for some reasons, they look better rotated (such as this one above).

Below two are my absolute favourite that I actually put my name on it and also named them wtf.

It looks awesomely like a palm tree. I call this Palm Tree, obviously.

This... THIS. Have to be the best photo I took of all 2011 wtf. I mean, come on.

The timing was so great and the earlier fireworks finished into tiny glitters and at the same time new one burst in the air like wtf so fucking awesomebbqsauce it looks like an explosion for real. Don't mind me, I don't even know half the fuck of descriptions I just wrote. I'm not articulate like that. But fuck that shit, just look at this picture.

I call this shit, Explosion in the Sky, as if it's not obvious enough wtf. And yes, I rotated it so that it looks like an alien attack since you all wouldn't shut the fuck up about the end of the world and all those 2012 bullshit. I want an alien attack looks as awesome as this man. Aliens that looks like fireworks. Hollywood, here's your idea box. Take it and try to do your best. That's all folks, good day.

,,exhale, inhale, repeat..

2012-01-04T16:55:00.001+08:00

So frustrated. Blame. Everyone likes to play the blaming game. And for some reasons I have to be the one who takes all the blame.

I need some time alone. Just let me be alone. I'm so sick of human interactions especially with those who do not understand me or how my brain works.

So tired of explaining, so tired of listening to illogical things, so tired of trying to understand the people around me. So tired of trying to make them understand me.

Human behaviour. Human behaviour. Be ready, be ready to get confused of human behaviour. There's definitely definitely no logic to human behaviour. - Bjork

..whiff of wind, sounds of crickets..

2012-01-03T16:35:00.000+08:00

I was writing an article just now and I'd been listening to the sound clips I recorded from my Japan trip. I regretted that I didn't record much.

I find it very soothing and easy for me to write when I am listening to the distant voices of Japanese conversations or the train stations announcements, or the thundering sounds of crickets chirping in the park.

I want to go back there. I need to go back there. I have to go back there.

There isn't a place on earth (so far) that has been that inspiring to me.

I had made a promise to myself that the next time I'm back there, I will record all kind of sounds there. So that I can bring Japan back to me, here to this dreadful place. Dreadful reality.

It's not like I'm not happy now, or depressed or even having yet another mood swing. It's just that I need to be happy again.

Tokyo and Kyoto are the two places where I feel the happiest once I arrived there. The moment I stepped into Haneda Airport, I was filled with this immense happiness.

I don't really know where that come from, but I am pretty sure it's the smiling faces of the people there, greeting our arrival.

I cannot wait to go back there. So much happiness waiting for me there. And I am glad to receive it soon.

It's nice to have found a place where you will smile automatically once you arrived. And continue to smile everyday onwards.

..re-re-re-re-resolu-lu-lu-lu-tion..

2012-01-02T17:58:00.001+08:00

Since for the past year of the pop music scene requires singers to stutter through their lyrics, I think it would only be fair if I finally caught on to the trend. wtf

Anyway, here are my 2012 resolutions that I doubt that I can win (I has no tiger blood yo) all of them by the end of this year. There it goes...

1] Be healthy, hit the gym at least three days a week and lose some extra weight.

2] Pick up lomography (again) and use at least four rolls of films this year.

3] Pick up watercolour painting again. It has been years.

4] Save at least 30% of my overall salary each month.

5] Travel out of country at least twice this year.

6] Work hard, earn good grades at appraisal and don't be lazy.

7] Gossip less, stop judging people from afar and be nice.

8] Don't blow up your credit cards limit.

9] Be happy and contented with life as it is.

10] 2013 new year celebration in other country.

That is it. Ten and no more. I've already win on resolution number five, but I am thinking of adding one more country to go because Bangkok isn't exactly far and I'd been there in '09.

Saving money (#4) is important because I am dedicating my entire 2012 to travel, obviously. A lot of people already knew my travel plans for this year, yet I am still not very satisfied. Need to get out more, I guess.

#1 is pretty difficult because losing weight is my resolution for every year but never really achieve anything great before. Maybe this is finally the year I can do something positive from it?

#10 is... ambitious, I guess. But, I will try my best to make it happen. I have a place in my mind, but we will see...

I guess, this is all. I think my priorities in life changed a lot through the years. We all grow up and I am glad I'd found the life that I want.

..launching rocket..

2011-12-30T20:00:00.004+08:00

One year ago this day I spent such a long time drafting a proper blog post on my new year resolution. For the past few years I've been doing the same thing. I still am.

I'd always been someone who anticipates the new year. A brand new year often gives me hope and it's the best time to start things over.

I don't know if I feel sad or happy right now because I was so busy for the past two weeks that I barely have time to breathe, moreover to reflect on my overall 2011. New year resolutions for 2012? I never even thought of that until today when I realised that there is actually just one more day to yet, another new year.

365 days passed us by so swiftly as if it's just a whiff of perfume on a stranger's body who passes by on the street.

However, now that I remember of this little habit of writing down a list of resolutions that I started a couple of years ago, I will not stop as I will still need my own encouragement when there isn't any from the people around me.

Let me start with ticking off some things off my 2011 resolutions that I'd set for myself on Dec 31, 2010.

[1] Lose at least 5 kgs by June!!! Then keep away from gaining weight starting from July. =D

I did lose five kilograms but not by June. I only started losing weight in July because I gained some weight from January to June instead wtfwtf

So, basically, I am back at square one for the moment but I still hope to lose some more in the next three months.

[2] Make friends, be nice, don't be so calculative- unless with calculative friends- and have fun!

I failed terribly in this one. At first, I gained a couple of friends. I wasn't being calculative with them. In fact, I sacrificed so much (almost losing my job at one point) to help them realising *their* dream.

In the end, enough is enough. I just cannot understand how come every time I was being the one who patronise everyone else, but nobody ever cared what I think or how I feel.

Therefore, I ended the friendship as easy as I delete anything on the computer. Well, I did have fun... at least.

[3] Pick up my film lomography again and take good care of my cameras!! (i.e.: Colonel (old KFC camera Mich gave me haha), Supatenshi, Kuuma and new Kuroki!!)
I did picked up lomography again! But so far, only one roll of film processed... /ashamed. The truth is, I only picked up lomography when I went to Japan in September. So, quite sad lah, but at least I DID picked up lomography again and even took some pretty pictures with my cameras!

[4] Get out of country for more than TWICE in 2011!!!
Okay... I did get out of country twice in 2011. But it's quite shameful to talk about it lah, coz I don't think my Singapore trip can be counted coz it's for work, not for travel fun.

However, yes I did get out of country twice this year. I went to Singapore in March and Japan in September.

And Japan is my proudest achievement so far. ;_; I still cannot believe that I made it there. Sometimes I will look at some random photos on the internet of Tokyo and Kyoto, I will find myself saying "Yeah, I'd been there." or "Yeah, I saw that too!"... It's really.. very surreal. Like a very realistic dream. Like Inception wtf.

[5] Try not to pick a fight with a particular bitch. and other people.
Well well my dear. I had already ended the friendship with the particular bitch. And I'd never felt so good in my entire 22 years of life.

Suck it u, bitch. It's over. I will never have to be looked down on you ever again!

[6] Do my best at work, hit deadline and not complain and try to achieve something at work. Get higher marks at appraisal!! 8D
OMFG I cannot believe that I actually achieved a higher mark at appraisal!!!!!!!! <3 I friggin LOVE my editor I tell you! I didn't even do my best (in fact, got complained by a sub that my writing got worse...) or hit any deadlines (one time my editor lectured me kao kao for dragging my articles...) but the marks that he gave me... T__T I will be forever thankful that I have such an awesome boss for my first job.

The marks that he gave me and the things he wrote about me gives me so much hope and confidence for my future undertakings. ;_; I must be a very nice person in my past life wtf.

[7] SAVE RM X by Dec 2011!!!!!
FTS.... YES I DID saved that much money but all went to... Japan. And some other stuff. Like clothes. And computer. And shites.

[8] Love Shiro-kyun uncontrollably and remember to bring him to vaccination next month hahahha. Buy him lotsa food.
Yes, I did bring him to vaccination on January 2011. And I changed his kibbles to a better brand and it's mofo expensive loh ok! And his appetite got larger recently... I am going to be a poor bastard next year..

[9] Continue to give monthly allowance to mom and dad.
Yeah I did.

[10] Go to every Silent Scenery (my brother's band) gigs!!! Starting from January 2011 at KLPac Open Day!!!!

Dunno why this was so important last year. Anyway, I did go to their gigs but lets say, out of five I only went to three of their gigs.

Sorry lah, I got to work on weekdays and weekends are too tired to move my ass....

THEN, EXTRA FIVE RESOLUTIONS:

Not wearing mascara for the year of 2011.
Yes, I didn't.

Prescribe a new spectacles and wear spectacles to work and out as much as possible; minimise the usage of contact lens.
So, I did prescribe a new pair of specs, wore it for half a year. Then realised that I looked like a fucking idiot. Now, back to lens and having fun.

This is for the month of February, stop shopping completely.
I don't quite remember if I spent anything on Feb 2011. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

Save AT LEAST 25% of your full salary each month and VOW never taking any amount out of the savings account just because you 'think' you need more money.
OKAY, it's not fair to talk about all these money stuff right now coz I HAVE ZERO SAVINGS RIGHT NOW WTF. END OF STORY GAHHHH

You can still use the Visa credit cards but in a maximum of RM100 each month (not including petrol money, which is always RM120 each month). NEVER exceeding RM100, or else, you will bear the consequences the month next.
Hahahaahah while I'd been an asshole to my savings account for the past year, I'd been not very abusive to my credit card. So I can safely say that, I hit this right on the spot! Yay!

SO, that is all from last year's resolutions. Seems like I didn't do a great job at all. At least, I felt that I had learn and went through a lot of stuff this year that made me realise that life isn't so simple after all. Well, I'd always say that life is complicated, unfair and just a pile of bullshit.

Hmm, maybe I ought to be more optimistic next year. There might be something real good waiting for me in 2012.

Tomorrow, I will write something on 22 things that I'd experienced and learn in 2011, alright? ^^

I should pick up my blogging mojo again ya'know. If I have time, I will write a proper travel post on my Japan trip. Well, not really for you to read since there aren't any readers around here. It's like a documentation for myself bah.

There is so much more waiting for us in 2012. Lets look forward a better year, alright? ^^

Have a good days folks. See you again tomorrow. Good evening.

..bahaha..

2011-12-13T17:10:00.002+08:00

found this in reddit.... so darn true!

..nomad..

2011-12-10T04:00:00.000+08:00

In my 22 years of life, I had lived in seven different places.

I had participated in two major house to house moves and three room to room moves. I can officially tell people that I hate moving houses now.

But I still cannot avoid it because no matter how comfortable and happy I am at my current place now, I still don't belong.

I'd trying to find a place where I really belong for a long long time. When I was a child, I slept in my parents room - on the floor. When I turned 11, I was moved to my siblings' room because one of them moved out to the city.

Then, when everyone (my siblings) left me all alone at 15, I finally had a room all by myself. But my parents decided to not sleep in the same room anymore and one of them moved into the same room as I am. So, once again, I am sharing a room with someone else.

People asks me why is privacy is important to me. Well, isn't that very clear now. I was never alone. Mentally, I am alone, but physically it never was the case. It still is.

Even after I moved to the city, I was forced to once again share a room with the occupants (my siblings) because I have no money to pay the rent yet and there is lack of space. For a while, I slept in the living room - the ultimate lack of privacy as one of the rooms in the house was rented to a tenant and it is a 'he', who walks in and out all the time.

I couldn't even get frustrated at the situation because I wasn't paying nuts to anyone for staying in there. I was a burden, basically.

But after I found a job and the 'he' moved out of the house, I moved into the room - finally privacy - but not really. The room is very small and suffocating, leading to the 24/7 opened door to let some air in. Where is the privacy, really?

Later, we moved to another bigger place and they told me that I can pay the rent and I can have the room, but - I am once again sharing the room with people. Due to the fact that I lived in an apartment and windows are hazardous to cats, I couldn't let the window open once again (although I could have done something to bar the window but able to let the air in and out...) and the door is open every single minute of my life there, except for the times when I have to change.

I felt extremely frustrated at that moment. Not only that I am paying rent, I still have no privacy due to an open door and also mostly because I am once again sharing my room with someone really unreasonable, irritable, irrational and illogical.

Privacy? That never existed in my life - not at all.

With my recent move to this new place, which is extremely comfortable, has great housemates and awesome facilities, I am very very happy indeed. I will still continue to pay the rent, of course, but I think this worth a lot more than it was before at the other places.

I am tired of moving from places to places. I am dying to find my own home sweet home. But at what cost (literally)?

It has been exactly one week since I packed my bags to this place. I am sincerely as happy as a woodpecker pecking his way through a hard block of wood. But how long will this happiness last?

When will be the next time where I have to be a nomad once again?

I just want to belong. And like I said, as much as I love this place, this still isn't mine. I still do not belong. I am still breathing in other people's air. And it is not nice to do that for all my life.

So many dilemmas. So many decisions. So many hopes and wishes. So little time. So little life.

Once when I was 16, I told myself that it will be great to die young. Just be done with life. Give it a great 'fuck you, I don't need you, life!' attitude. Then, when I turned 20, I don't feel like dying young anymore because I realised that I have so many things to accomplish, so many things to experience in life.

Now, it is obvious that those low self-esteem thinking is back and I really just want to be done with life as soon as possible. I figured out that even with those things that I could accomplish, with those things that I might have experienced, I will still die one day. I might even just die tomorrow morning. We never know.

It is easy to be contented with what you have but to be happy is another matter. Happiness is difficult to reach. You can have everything in your life but if you have nothing to feel happy for, you are just an empty shell.

I am an empty shell. For now, maybe. But, as of now, this shell shall remain empty until I am able to find a new shell with goodies in it.

I know to say that I am a nomad is just an exaggeration. But I certainly feel that way now.

Anyways, cat's purring is inviting me to the bed now. All these words and paragraphs do not really matter. I should smile to face the day now. Or maybe I can always show them the poker face for the rest of my life.

It doesn't matter, we are all going to die anyway. Good night.

..dim..

2011-12-07T15:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it's normal to shut down your emotional button. Or maybe exchange one emotion to another.

Maybe it's all for the best to be happy when you are sad. Or be extremely cheerful when you feel like bawling your eyes out.

I think I may have just achieved the ultimate emotional shut down.

I think it is best for people to not know how you feel through your immediate expression. Sometimes, a blank face is the best face to show to others.

..alt-x, alt-v..

2011-12-01T14:18:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, why do I need to live in other people's approvals and mood swings when I am already 22 have my own car, pay my own bills - basically capable of surviving on my own?

Why do I need to look and listen to other people's constant griping and complains and dissatisfaction when I, myself, is very very happy with my own little cozy corner.

Or why do I still need to share a room with a highly unreasonable, irrational and illogical person when I certainly do not need to endure all the stress that they had been giving me for the past year?

Why?

People constantly asking me why am I so eager to find a place of my own when I am just merely 22 years old. "You are just 22! You don't have to rush!"

People constantly reminding me that I am still young and I don't need a house at this age. Just live day-by-day now and save until it is enough for you to buy a house of your own.

My impatience has nothing to do with me trying to show the world that I am capable (when I am certainly not). I am not trying to act like I am an accomplished person when I am not.

All I was thinking about is to live in solidarity and seclusion. Happy alone with my cat. With my cat. I want a happy home for my cat. I want a place where he will never be threaten by anyone. Where he will never be bullied by anyone. A place where he will never be constrained by the gallows anymore.

Never once I felt as if I was at home when I am at that place. I felt like a tenant. A tenant who shares room with another tenant. Everyday I listen to complains and get scolded and bullied by them.

Why do I need to be bullied by them when I am capable of living alone? Why?

MY life principle is - if you do not depend on them to continue living, you don't need to endure their anger towards you. But I'd been living in pain for years with them. Why should I continue?

I'd been bullied since I was a child. And I am continued to be bullied until I am 22 years old. Why should I continue?

Have these people ever considered my mental health? Have these people ever thought of my feelings? No.

At one moment, I thought I'd lost my mind. I thought I should just erase my history and rewrite them like how I always write my stories. Erase the bad ones then replace them with good ones.

I am so mentally tired. I was thrown into this emotional turmoil for the past two days and the only time when I felt extremely happy was this morning, when I woke up at a new place. Clean, happy new place. And my cat sleeping soundly on my feet. This is what I'd been looking for years. Just waking up a happy person.

For years I thought I will be trapped in that place until I die. I will not be able to run away from it because of all the obligations.

But once the people in the house shown me no respect at all just because I am the youngest, I made the decision to move out no matter what. And so I did.

I'd finally moved out of that place. That hell hole, as I called it. That place itself isn't bad. It's just the people in it are fucked. It fits Carlin's description of earth, 'The planet is fine, it's the people who are fucked up'.

If I continue to live in that place, I may have just thrown myself out of the tenth floor in two more days. I can no longer be able to look at these people in normal ways anymore.

They do not respect me. They do not care about my feelings and my mental health. If I continue to live there any longer, I may just lose my mind. You may come and visit me and cat at the asylum.

I am 22, I finally have my own room. I finally have my own space. But of course, I still haven't got the chance to let my cat live freely in his own space. I promise, one day, the gallows will be gone and we will both live happily ever after.

I felt as if the handcuffs on my wrists are gone and the chain-balls tied to my feet are let loose. I am finally free.

..fall..

2011-11-30T14:52:00.000+08:00

Scream. Scream. Scream. Scream.

..five..

2011-11-27T16:03:00.000+08:00

I am so quiet here. That's not because I'd finally changed for good. It's because I have verbal diarrhea in Twitter almost every single day.

I do not wish to abandon my blog. One day I will take my time to do a proper post on my Japan trip. Well, you know, just for the sake of recording the happenings there.

This is pretty much my diary of sort. So, yeah.

Heading back to my hometown once again. I am glad that I have my hometown. I am glad to have a place to run to when I find the city too suffocating.

Have a great Sunday to you. Byes.

..impression..

2011-11-17T00:54:00.000+08:00

Now that the year is ending, I find myself reflecting early this year very often. 2011. How swift does time pass?

Early this year I find myself trying to impress people who aren't at all that important to me. I was trying so hard that it lowered my self confidence even lower than before and it was a crucially painful period for me at that time. By the end of June, I couldn't take it any longer that I told myself that this is my life and there isn't any point in trying to impress people who clearly doesn't care who you are, what you do and how you will end up.

I cut off so many ties in June and July this year. It wasn't just the few new pals I had in the beginning of 2011, but also plenty others who were basically strays in my life and I let them stray for too many years. I cut them off just like how you snap your fingers. Just like that. It's very easy for me, really.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really good to have such cold heart like mine. Cold and indifferent heart. I can delete anyone from my mind as easy as deleting numbers from my phone. In fact, one of the rituals I partake in deleting humans from my life is to delete their phone numbers first. If you do not find your number in my phone, that means you are nothing to me. Even my cat has a spot in my phone.

But from what I experienced, it is easier to be the bad guy than the good one because the one being nice all the time is also the one who feels hurt the most. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I fell into the friendship trap for so many times that I could really die from the bad that comes with the good in friendships.

I can never understand how the whole friendship thing works and I think it is best if I stay alone, or just have someone as crude as I am to be friends with. Like my colleague, WJ.

Honestly, I loathed her in the beginning. However, I realised how much in common I am with her. Maybe not in a lot of ways, but we are very similar in the friendship field. We can never find good friends. And when we do, there are the bad that comes with it that we cannot accept.

There might be times when I bicker with her over trival things but I enjoy how we manage to keep an open mind even when we do not have the same interest and thoughts on things.

I find out that she is the only one I can be totally honest with. I can tell her anything, just anything and instead of being angry about things that she doesn't agree with, she would tell me how she feels and I can compare thoughts that way, see things differently that way. And this goes vice versa for both of us.

What I feel about friendship is that we should be able to say what we want in front of each other without the fear of hurting each other's feeling. We should be able to have a chance to voice our thoughts and nobody will take offend in our words.

But superficial friendships doesn't work that way. You need to constantly lie to be in each other's good book. I don't want to be in anyone's good book. I just want to be an honest person, that's it. Why is it so hard to be an honest person and to be a friend at the same time?

The good book in friendship shouldn't even exist in the first place. Why should I lie about how you look in that dress or why should I shut up when I can clearly see a problem in your decision-making or action?

If you think my words hurt, why don't you consider that I am trying to help you out instead of just pointing out your flaw? If you cannot accept your own flaw then how are you going to improve in your life?

Maybe you don't need my help, you'd say. Then why did you tell me your problems in the first place? You just want me to listen? I am not one of those dumb bitches who just sit there and listen and say "I don't know how to help you, but here's a hug awwww" .

If I think there is something wrong, I will point it out and I will help you to solve it. That's how I work.

Unfortunately that is also my flaw because as many would say, this is none of my business. But you know what? If it is none of my business in the first place, then don't fucking tell me your problems because my brain likes to help people. And if you don't appreciate my help a.k.a. my harsh true words, then don't tell me anything.

Personally, I feel like I failed as a friend if I don't help. But apparently 'help' is not welcome in friendships, no no. Not as welcomed as lies, apparently.

I won't give you encouragements like 'you can do it' or 'no, you are not stupid!'. I will give you the truth. I will only give you the truth and that is it. If I find myself lying to my friends, I will feel like I am making the situation worse for them.

I might give you encouragements, but it always come after a string of harsh truth about you before I say it.

But nobody in this world can accept it. Nobody.

.
.
.

It is now mid November nearing December. One year is passed and another year is coming. I wonder what lies ahead of me. I wish I can stop making the same mistakes as I make every single year. That is finding new friends. I don't need new friends. I don't need friends, honestly. I've had enough of those.

Sometimes, I feel like animals can understand me better than any human could. Maybe I am still going pass the whole complicated human adult era. Maybe one day I can finally get what goes on with the typical superficial human interactions. Maybe one day I can be in a typical superficial friendship with somebody around too?

But I highly doubt it. I would rather be in the rank of aliens or supernatural being than to be on the same rank as people who lies to be nice or people who thinks that friendship is all about being nice to each other.

I don't think I can ever be nice to anyone. I'm just mean. I'm just a very very mean human being. Maybe I am not even a homo sapien. I might be some sort of mutated alien stuck in the body of a human.

Maybe that is why I don't understand human beings. Maybe that is why I could never blend in. Maybe that is why I will forever be alone.

Maybe that is why I need to get two hamsters next month so that I will have more furry companions around me. I might just be a hamster myself. Or a cat. Cold and indifferent cat. Just minding its own business. Just being alive without any reasons.

Maybe that is why I am breathing now.

.. a letter to you..

2011-11-08T23:06:00.000+08:00

Dear you,

Sometimes, you need to understand that everything has its limit. You had known me since we were nine. You should have known that my patience is incredibly thin and it wears off easily. I knew that this is my weakness as a person as well as a friend. I knew I was never a good friend to anyone. If there were any levels of goodness in being a friend, I think I am in Level -9.

But in these two years, I learnt how to be a better person. I learnt how to be a better friend. I turned into this caring soul that my teenage self couldn't see myself turn into. Of course, I am still a very flawed human being and there is no doubt that I still have a lot to learn.

Dear you,

In these two years, my patience had gotten thicker and it takes some time to wear it off now. I felt like a new person. Most of my friends back in secondary school were already abandoned and I see no future in stay in contacts with them anymore. Most of them, except for the very few and you are in the 'very few' category. Initially, I thought we never really see eye-to-eye towards stuff before and often I find that there aren't anything similar in both of us. We are in fact, very very different people and have very very different thinking.

But still, I took the initiative to get to know you again. After all, it has been a while since we were nine and maybe there are things that I don't like about you were changed into something better. Well, of course I am certain that there are things that you don't like about me too, but I will never find out because after this letter, I am pretty sure that you will never want to speak to me again.

Also, I had decided that after today, I will never want to speak to you anymore or care about whatever fucks happening to you anymore, simply because my patience towards you, had finally worn off.

Dear you,

Remember those time when I pick you up from your place and bring you around town? Remember those midnight rides in the city? Remember the times when I come to cheer you up when you said you feel bored? Remember the times when I pay for your food? Remember all those advices I gave you about work that you never once considered or took?

I don't quite think you remember those times because you will only remember the bad things of people, and never the good ones that they had done for you.

In my life, I thought I was the most selfish individual on earth. I care nothing but for myself. But in these two years, I learn to care about others and it feels good to do good things for other people too.

My patience for you had worn off since December of last year but I hang on to it because I thought I could still take your bullshit. But today I realised that I just couldn't. There are limits in my patience and you broke almost ten layers of it and I'd decided that this is the final straw. I cannot patronise you anymore.

Dear you,

Today when I said I am sorry that I couldn't bring you out to celebrate your belated birthday because I am as broke as an empty shell now, you didn't even bother to reply. I asked myself, 'What the fuck was that?"

Am I obligated to buy you lunch/dinner? Did you have voucher written "Suwa must buy me belated birthday meal"? Did I signed a contract saying that I HAVE to buy you a meal?

I don't think so.

You had angered me immensely because this is not the first time you did this to me. This is many many times. Let me ask you, bring my mother to body check up more important or bring you out for lunch more important? What about this? Accompany dad in the city because his hand is broken more important or bringing you out for lunch more important?

I think you should know the answer. First of all, I said I might bring you out for a meal to celebrate your 22nd but heck, I can fucking delay it all I want because I am the one paying, not you and I currently have no money so why should I use my credit card just to make you happy? Who do you think you are?

Secondly, if you had replied me this afternoon about this matter, you may get this sentence coming afterwards - "What about we go out to celebrate the coming Christmas and New Year next month instead? I'll buy you a meal that then okay?" But you never replied, so yes! I get to save more money to my next year's Japan trip!

Thirdly, you think you are cool and mysterious by not replying other people's message and SMS? No, fuck, no. You just look like someone who has no manners at all. No matter how busy I am with work, I will still reply other people's messages to me. Worse come to worse, I will just tell them that I am REALLY busy, so TTYL.

But you don't even have the manners to do that.

Dear you,

I just want you to know that nobody owes you anything. No. Nobody. Nobody owes you anything in this world. Nobody need to pay their 'debt' to you. Why did I say this? Because your behaviour acts as if everyone need to give you something all the time. People need to fetch you around. People need to give your presents. People need to give you souvenirs.

You were demanding since you were nine and you still are. Those little letters we wrote to each other during our childhood, I still remember my sister asked me why did you demand gifts from me? I told her that it was because your birthday is coming. My sister told me that it is not nice to ask for presents from other people. Apparently nobody ever taught you that.

Dear you,

We are both the youngest in the family. We both think the world revolves around us. But I grew out of it. Now I knew that the I live for the world, not the world live for me. If I die, there won't be any difference to the world. Same applies to you, my dear.

My days don't revolve around you. My work don't revolve around you. My money certainly don't revolve around you. I have my plans and I won't let the smallest thing ruin my plans.

If you think that everyone on earth is created to serve you, then you are wrong. You are very very wrong. However, I suspect that there are indeed people who are devoting their entire lives to serve you, give you praises and materials all the time, otherwise you wouldn't be who you are now.

But I just want you to know that, I personally don't care what's going on with you. I used to be very caring. I would ask you what's going on with your life. What's going on at your work place? What's happening that made you sad? But I stopped early this year because you emotional havoc created such nuisance to me and it made me feel stressed as well.

Why did it make me stressed and tensed up? Because you think I am stupid. Well, I do think I am stupid too. Afterall, I am not the one with a diploma or degree. I am just a low-life worker who had nothing to prove. That is why you don't think anything I said is right at all. Of course, not everything I said is right, but you never even considered my opinions for a second. That shows how much respect you have for me. Zero.

You on the other hand is an overachiever. Attentions were thrown at you since you were a child secondary school. You thought you are destined to create a huge impact to the world.

Then you lost all the attention when you entered college and you got depressed because you couldn't accept the fact that you are not 'special' anymore. But the truth is, nobody is special in this world, except for the disabled and mentally handicapped.You just didn't get to know the truth at all. I hope you know now.

Dear you,

Ask yourself, have you ever thought of driving your car to my place and fetch me out for a drink? Have you ever thought of bringing me out for a ride if I am unhappy? Have you ever thought of buying me a meal for my birthday? Have you ever thought of doing all those things I did for you for the past two years?

Sometimes, you need to think that you are not the only one in this world who had to work. You are not the only one in the world who need to pay bills. You are not the only one in the world who get stuck in the traffic jam. You are not the only one who are going through hardship.

In fact, I went through it already and I went through it without anyone's help. I never told my family what problems I had and I tried my best to solve my problems. And I did .

You just need to know that there are millions and billions of people out there. One less of you is not going to change the world. One less of me isn't going to change the world either. We are not special. We are not heaven-sent. We are just one of the seven billions human on earth.

You think you are going through shit now, lets sit down and think of a solution instead of mourning your situation. If mourning or praying is going to help, then you will not have any problems right now.

Dear you,

My thoughts for you are long gone. I no longer want to be a part of your life adventure. I knew I never really mattered to you anyway.

From my point of view, you only talk to me if you need someone to fetch you around town or when I offered you a lift and a meal. Case A: You beat around the bush for half an hour just waiting for me to offer you a lift to the book sale. Also noted in this case- mtv world stage. Case B: You never msn me for so long but after the day I suggested to bring your out to celebrate, you msn-ed me twice that week and that is fucking rare of you.

From where I stand, you treat me no more than just a driver or whatever. I did everything you asked me last year. I could go through hours of traffic jam just to get to your place. But I never did these things once this year because I know what you are up to.

Everyone is just a tool to you, isn't it? No one really mattered to you, isn't it? You only care about yourself and nobody else is important to you, isn't it?

I wanted to help you out but you never cared for my opinions or advices anyway. I know that is because - to you, I am always the stupid one who doesn't know anything, who doesn't understand anything. Yeah, I don't understand anything at all. I am stupid like that.

I tried to be nice but this is the kind of feedback I have every single time I tried. So, you know what? I give up. I would rather have no friends than friends like you and the others who ever respected me as a person.

Dear you,

This letter is long and I doubt that you even read any of this. But I just want to let you know that, you are now no longer a piece of puzzle in my life. I'd lost you because I am never really an important piece in your life puzzle too. So, vice versa.

We are two persons of different worlds. You live in yours and I live in mine. I never owed you anything and you never owe me anything (technically, you do owe me petrol money - quite a lot of it). So, this is the day everything ends.

I thank you for being an example of human being which I do not want to emulate. But at least, I learn a lot from you. I learnt how not to be you. Therefore, Thanks. I hope we will never meet again.

sincerely and truthfully,
me.

..breaking stones..

2011-11-01T04:50:00.001+08:00

So tired.

[this is how i feel right now. i can so use her photos to convey my feelings now]

Will be going back hometown today. Took the rest of the week off. Will be back until further notice.

I'm not sad. I'm not happy either. I'm just at the state of mind where nothing really matters. I just want 2011 to finish asap although it had been quite a good year for me.

Anyway, Bjork might be the only thing that can make me feel something now. Here's the Voltaic tour rendition of Bachelorette with a fucking awesome brass band. The ending is just superb.

Goodnight now. I shall update my mp3 before I go back.

Fuck. I need to watch her live at least once in my life. Or go to Iceland to stalk her.

..unravel..

2011-10-30T03:25:00.001+08:00

I realised today that as much as I love spontaneity, every action and decisions that I do are very planned and have to go through levels of consideration and brainstorms. Even the slightest and easiest ideas.

I don't wake up one morning and say "Hey, lets go to the beach!" or "Hey, lets have a picnic at the park!" or "Hey, lets go to Japan again next year during spring and lets book the flight, hotels NOW!"

Whenever I'm forced to be spontaneous, I will have a tremendous nervous breakdown and strings of panic attacks that follows.

Why did I say 'forced'?

For the past month since I came back from my Japan trip, I made purchase of flight tickets and hotel bookings for next year - a six months later, yet another anticipated- Japan trip. I'm bringing my parents along, so there are lot of money spent right there. And that is why I am in the brink of declaring bankrupt now.

So, why the rushed decision and actions? This is not the typical me. Not at all. I plan things. This is not planned at all. We haven't even applied for visa yet and we have no idea whether we can get pass through that or not.

The reason for this is that I am under the instructions of my sister. Yes. The spontaneity mistress in my family.

For the past month, I was rushed to do so many things that I won't do without thinking about it. Make purchase this and that for next year's trip. GO back to hometown, come back to the city. GO back to hometown again, come back to the city again. Said go back to hometown and go to hadyai, then cancel suddenly both but didn't even inform me.

My brain was thrown around in a maze and I am utterly confused by all these sudden actions and unnecessary spontaneity. I feel sick. I feel like vomiting, as if I'm having car sick or something.

Extra lines appears around my eyes area, my eyeballs sunk, pimples and acne taking advantage of my stress. I wake up everyday fearing more confusions and more spontaneous actions and suggestions from my sister.

I am put into such a horrifying maze of confusion that my insomnia came back. I do not dare to fall asleep because when I do, I still find myself in nerve-wrecking situations or doing things that my sister would suddenly instruct me to. Then, my spine hurts so much I could barely sit, stand or walk properly.

I feel as if my whole body is dying slowly and my brain is malfunctioning so badly recently. I could barely remember what assignments I have or what I have to do. I don't realise how fast time passes me by and at times, I thought I was stuck on the same day, doing the same thing.

I got disillusioned by the passing days and at times, I thought my dreams were real and my daily life is a dream. Hallucinations took over my mind at times.

I had the biggest nervous breakdown at an event lately that I had to hide in an isolated exit staircase in the shopping mall to cry my heart out and stop my hands and feet from trembling.

At that moment I was so afraid for myself and kept asking myself 'what the fuck is happening to me?!'.

I couldn't think properly anymore, I cannot convey my mind anymore, I cannot even function normally anymore.

This past month had been a horror to me and I wish it to end as soon as I step into November.

I cannot be pressured to do things that hasn't been planned or thought about. When I am pressured, I lost all my sense and my nerves break lose.

I just need to calm down now and figure things out slowly. I cannot take another spontaneous decisions now. I might just die from it sooner or later.

This post is pretty amazing. It has a total of 43 'I's in it. It has reached the top level of selfishness, self-indulge, self-pity and self-everything. Well, it is... my blog and nobody reads it anyway. It doesn't really matter. So, I shall end this post with an amazing song from my own goddess of music.

Goodnight...

..grateful grapefruit..

2011-10-26T02:58:00.001+08:00

You have your god. And I have my Björk Guðmundsdóttir.

Her awesomeness has reach the level where she is worthy of my prayer. wtf wtf. I mean, which singer is actually signed on to National Geographic?! wtf wtf. No No. she's not just any singer. She's a fucking saint dammit!

Never once in my life I can listen to a song or any kind of music track that can bring me to another world as Björk can do to me. It's just insane. Such a shame that I discovered her so late. How could I?! It's almost destined for me to listen to her.

But it is never late to immerse into her world. Her weird, quirky and acid-trip world. Gosh, the kind of impact her songs do to me. It's almost like a tattoo on my skin that can never be removed. So powerful. So powerful.

..five days..

2011-10-22T04:17:00.000+08:00

Got three days off from my office for next week. This gives me a five-day weekend and I am glad to be granted such privilege.

Tomorrow I heading back home town with my sister. Both of us just want to get out from the city badly. I don't really detest the city, or does she. We just couldn't stand being here some times and we couldn't even give you any reasons.

You see, I really have nothing to whine about, really. Work hasn't been a burden. Life at home is as comfortable as always. Cat became clingier for some reason, but there is nothing to complain about that.

For two years, I cared nothing about my office politics. I don't even care who quits or who joins. People in the office never really mattered to me except for a few of them.

Things changed when some one joined my section lately. Honestly, I wouldn't give a fuck as I usually would. But a close colleague of mine wouldn't stop telling me stuff about her. Her bad, mostly. I rarely hear anything good about her.

I had been trying my best not to be a judgmental person for two years now. I am a terribly judgmental person and I am trying my best to change. I had finally achieved the level where I do not think badly of anyone, everyone at first, try my best not to notice a person's flaw but when I couldn't take the level of illogical minds anymore, I leave.

But when one person keeps poisoning me things about another person, without me knowing that person very well, I had an itch to bitch about the the other person too because from what I'd heard and witnessed, this person is really problematic.

I had been raging so badly this past month that I don't think I can continue raging anymore. I had enough problems in my brain to actually care about another human being who doesn't really matter.

I found the reason why I had been raging. It is mostly because of that close colleague of mine who kept telling me about that other person. I never bitched about other colleague with another colleague before, and this is the first one.

The amount of emotional abuse I gave myself for this past month is so aggravating that I thought I had really lost my mind. I lost my concentration. I kept giving myself unanswered questions. Drowning myself with 'What if's.

I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to get involve anymore. It is none of my business in the first place, why tell me about things that are not connected to me?

I just need my time and my space. I just need my little working cubicle and that's it. I don't ask for more in life. I only want to be safe and comfortable. I have no more ambitions in my life and nothing else matters to me.

I have nothing more to say. So, good night and good bye. See you again next week. Sorry for such abrupt end. I don't think my apologies matters anyway because nobody is ever here.

My voice, my typing will never be heard.

Will never be heard.

..immense..

2011-10-20T01:15:00.000+08:00

It's really sad that many of us who bloomed early have trouble carrying on now even though we aren't in any way satisfied with where we are.

Fashion photographer, Zhang Jing-na wrote this on her facebook page just moments ago. I thought nobody will understand how I feel right now. Apparently, there is.

..spiral..

2011-10-19T14:18:00.000+08:00

Come join us and grab a copy of These Still Moments tomorrow! ^^

..glimpse..

2011-10-17T16:17:00.002+08:00

I keep having people reminding me that I am only 22 years old. But I do not feel that way. I do not feel that way at all. This backpack that I am carrying is getting heavier. I don't know if I can still continue to carry it or not. The time will continue ticking and we will keep on growing older by the seconds. Lets hope that the baggage isn't going to slow us down.

2011-10-15T01:27:00.000+08:00

sometimes, when things get out of control... we just need to escape back to the place we love so much.

..kyun..

2011-10-13T14:26:00.000+08:00

..20 years..

2011-10-11T19:00:00.000+08:00

I have been very very lucky to be hired two years ago. I had nothing to offer my company at all. There are some companies that want the paper, there are companies that want your experience instead.

I have none of both things.

I spent one and a half year- halfheartedly studying in Form 6, thinking that the luck that had been following me since UPSR, PMR and SPM, will still lingers until my university years. But the university years never came.

During that one and a half year of my final school days, I was bogged down by family problems so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything at all. I wanted to quit schooling but my father had high hopes on me. In fact, he had been waiting for me to wear the square hat more than my other siblings. I do not want to fail him, but in the end I did.

I'd never been the studious type. I was never serious in anything I do. All I ever did in school was trying my best not to fail anything, that's all. Occasionally when luck favours me, I will be granted a couple of As. I said that because I never really studied hard for anything. Except for that one time when I really wanted to understand mathematics that I managed to go from Fail to A1.

I was never interested in studies. It's a bore to me. All we ever did was sitting there and read or write. We never had any interesting activities or school trips. Even if there are school trips, I cannot afford to pay for it, so I always ended up missing out on trips. But when my friends came back and told me what they did, I did not feel like I had missed anything important at all.

I think this mentality of mine that the paper doesn't really matter came to my mind since I was 12 or 13. My sister is a very clever person but she didn't manage to get into any universities too. But that was because she enrolled herself in Form 6 only because my father insisted her so. To think of it, I pretty much went through the same thing as she did.

When I was 13 till 17, I witnessed how my sister worked her way up from being a sale girl to a manager of a beauty department. The knowledge that she picked up on her way sound far more interesting than handling in assignments in universities. It was around that age that I realised that I am much more suited to work than to study.

To study, for me, is such a waste of time because I will never achieve anything extraordinary than just not failing. I'm not the straight-As type, and I knew that if I ever go into any universities, I will have a tough life adjusting.

When I saw STPM results in early 2009, I wasn't surprised. I knew it's going to end up that way. Truth be told, I had given up my STPM right before my exams started. I knew that this will not bring me anywhere. But for some reasons, I still lingers around the hope that some universities might take me in.

The only reason that I hope I could get into university is for my father. Since I was a child, he thought that I have the most potential to be a graduate. A degree holder. I really do not want to disappoint him but when I saw the website blaring the words that formed into a meaningless consolation that I couldn't get in into any universities, my heart crashed into tiny little pieces.

I personally did not care. But my heart ached for my father. For a moment I did not know how to tell him about it. I looked at my phone for a few minutes. I had to call him no matter what, and so I did.

I still can remember the hush of disappointment in his voice. It was heartbreaking but I tried my best to laugh it off. He started blaming me on not studying properly for it but later he knew that there is nothing can be done and we said solemn goodbyes.

Then, I went into a deep depression that lasted almost two months. I compiled a resume which bares nothing at all, sent it out and sit at home, waiting for calls. The only thing I know how to do is to write. I had always wanted to be a journalist since I was 16 and I sent my resume to all publications I knew.

For weeks nobody responded to me. One big publication house contacted me and ask me to attend an interview. I was very happy to go but they didn't respond to me after my interview. I guess, they only want people with big personalities. I was extremely quiet during my interview because I was so nervous.

Then, a week later I have another interview with another company, and they weren't interested in the first place. But the interviewer offered a lot of good advices to me. He asked me why do I want to be a writer? I told him: "I only know how to write." "But this isn't just about knowing how to write, you know?" he said.

Then, he told me how he never graduated from tertiary educations and how he also said the same sentence "I only know how to write' to his then-editor. He told me that tertiary education isn't at all that important, but we need the experience to make up for it. He read a short article that I wrote for the interview and told me that my command of the language isn't at all that great. He told me to go to college first, a statement which I promptly replied to him that I do not have the finances to do that.

He told me to apply for scholarship, and I once again told him that my results aren't at all that spectacular. And I think I needed work to support my current financial situation than to spend on studies. I wasn't even ashamed of how desperate I sound or look at that moment. I had much more to think about than that.

He then told me to consider studying first before embark in the working world. I told him firmly once more that I don't need studies, I just need to be able to support myself. I was 20 years and a month old.

I went home and cried myself to sleep that night. I will never find work at this rate, I thought to myself. The money in my bank was then starting to dry. All the money I saved since I was a teenager and from my part time job early that year was shedding away slowly.

That was when I started to sleep during the day and wake up at midnight and do nothing except playing online games. I wished to see no one except for my cat. I couldn't face my family at all.

The next day after my second interview, the interviewer called me. He said that he will introduce me to his colleague and see if he will take me in as they are desperately in need of a new writer. I jumped in happiness, thinking that if there is a second chance, the chanced of me getting hired is bigger!

So, I went for the third interview of my life and the second interviewer from the company acknowledged that my writing still needs improvements. I gladly agree. I do not remember much from this interview but I do remember that I asked him at the end of the interview, "So, am I hired?". He said, most probably.

Then I went home feeling happy. Then, no calls to me for the next two weeks. I thought I did not get the job and once again drowned in a pool of darkness.

But out of a sudden, one day I received the call that they decided to hire me after all and ask me to start working on the next Monday. I did not know how to feel at that swift moment. It was only after I hang up the phone that I jumped up and down in glee. I had nothing to offer but they hired me? This has to be luck.

I did not even care about the salary, because peanuts are worth a world to me at that time. So, right there and then, I was signed on to my first working experience ever and it still hasn't end till today.

It has been two years and a month since the first day I walked into this office and I can only tell you that I feel as if I have aged twenty years instead of two.

I am happy that I insisted on work instead of study because if I had chosen to study at that time, I will only graduate in 2014 now and have a 30k loan plus no financial stability. I will not have the chance to experience Japan as I did last month.

There are many ups and downs in these two years but I appreciate all of them because I had learn more than any colleges and universities can offer me. I do not need to wear a square hats or be teacher's pet to have a steady life.

Most of all, I can see that my father has been very proud of me in the past year. He wasn't at all that agreeing to me working but he seems to have accepted that and he no longer had to worry about me. I think that is all I need in life. I don't want my father to worry about me and I'd got it. I only need that in life.

Why am I not talking much about my mother? Well, she doesn't care much really. She doesn't care if I got into universities or not. She doesn't care if I am slumming at home not doing anything. She doesn't have any hopes for us at all. I don't really know what she wants or do not want from us, and all I can say is that she just do not care much for anything. That is why, whatever I do, I do not have to be afraid that I will disappoint her or not. Coz she just don't care.

But still, I guess she is proud of me too, just that she doesn't know how to express that out. Well, I hope that she is proud of me. At least, be happy for me lah! Cis.

Anyway, I have to say that I really love doing what I had been doing for the past two years. I feel a little bad today, that's why I need to write down this post, just to remind myself, how lucky I am. But then, as far as luck goes, I have to say that me lasting this long in this company is pretty much my own effort too. Luck brought me here, but the rest of the road, I still need my hard work to continue it. Therefore, what I have now is a combination of tiny bit of luck and huge chunk of it is from myself.

I learn so much from these two years. I used to be a very selfish prick who doesn't care much for anyone else and all I ever wanted in life is wealth. This is no longer the case. All I want now is great health for my parents and cat, and hope that they will never have to worry about me anymore.

That is all I ever want from life now.

I am now 22 going on 23.

..stories..

2011-10-09T04:03:00.000+08:00

Flash of life.

..hot wave..

2011-10-06T16:11:00.002+08:00

Can you feel the sun burning your skin?

Did you ever reach out your hands and wave your fingers through the sun ray?

Can you feel the heat touches your finger prints?

Can you feel the sweat forming on your fingers?

Did you ever lick your fingers to taste the saltiness of your sweat?

Did you ever tilt your head up towards the sun and close your eyes?

Can you feel the sun ray touches your face?

Can you feel the love in the hot breeze?

..i miss japan..

2011-10-03T19:05:00.001+08:00

I bought a lot of things from there. I also made sound recordings from the parks and train stations. I knew that I will miss that place terribly when I come back that's why I bought so many things to surround myself with it- here. But I still miss that place. I still miss every bit of Japan...

And I don't think these things are enough to make me not miss it.

(don't ask me why I place my cat on my photoshoots. I didn't. He's just a nosy baby himself.)

..otanjoubi omedetou, ayu-chan!..

2011-10-02T16:03:00.001+08:00

Happy birthday, Ayu-channnnn!!! <3 Thanks for sucking so much $$$ from me!! <3 I love you! [this is just half of my collection...]

..moments..

2011-09-24T18:03:00.002+08:00

I have a lot happy moments in my Japan trip. It's more than just happy, it's the feeling of being overwhelmed by awe and excitement.

Watching the sun rise at Haneda Airport was the first time I'd arrived in Japan for 6 hours that I felt, wow, I really am here. I am here at the Land of Rising Sun, watching the sun rising. To start off my trip with such magnificent view, is just... wow.

It truly truly meant a lot to me. For the entire trip, whenever I felt bad, I took out my camera and look at this picture. As Zombieland taught us, enjoy the little things. You can witness the sun rise every day but there will always be that one sunrise that stays in your mind forever. This will be mine.

Well, not forgetting the big bright moon we saw the night before as we landed a day before the Mid-Autumn fest a.k.a. Mooncake fest.

It's the kind of view you will remember forever.

Here below are the littlest things in Tokyo and Kyoto that makes me happy.

When I saw willow trees everywhere in Ueno Koen. I love how they flow softly even when the wind is strong. Such grace. No wonder they call the geisha community the 'flower and willow world' - karyukai.

When I saw how couples goes for boat pedalling as a date.

When I saw how modern and old-times mixes together in Tokyo.

When I saw Matsumoto and Hamada on a billboard advertisement.

When I crossed the Shibuya crossings. Many many times. Also, when I drank green tea latte in Starbucks in Tsutaya.

When I saw swing sets in Inokashira Koen.

When I had takoyaki. Real takoyaki. In Tokyo. (Still wanting to try the ORIGINAL one in Osaka though)

Drinking ocha from vending machines.

When I wore the room yukata provided by the hotel.

A little rickshaw adv.

Arriving at Kiyomizudera with this view.

Taking self-portraits with a dome mirror.

Washing my hands and take a sip of water before entering the temple.

Being at Kiyomizudera.

Seeing the entire Kyoto city from Kiyomizudera.

When I saw Yasaka Shrine.

Writing my wishes on Ema in Yasaka Shrine. I hope my wish will come true!

Saw an old grandma walking uphill in near Gion.

Saw Totoro.

Getting a green bike by chance when we rent bicycles in Kyoto.

Cycled through and got lost in eastern Kyoto. Cycled beside a big canal and got drenched by evening rain. Experiences that money can't buy.

Sitting beside the canal at Philosopher's Walk!

Saw cats at Philosopher's Walk.

Just being in Kyoto. I truly love Kyoto more than Tokyo.

Eating ice cream sitting on the middle of an empty road near Ginkakuji.

Saw weird old school candies in Raumen Museum in Yokohama.

Witnessing from afar, the beauty of the world's biggest ferris wheel + clock in Minato Mirai 21.

I promise, one day I will take a ride on this! =D Really need to go back there alone one day!

All these are the littlest things that made me feel so happy and satisfied! But I think the moment when my heart skipped a beat was when I saw two beautiful maiko. Thanks to my aunt who alerted me... I saw...

OMFGOSHHHHH BEAUTIES!!!

T______T I feel so stupid standing in between them BUT DARN IT I JUST GOT MY WISH COME TRUE! Better take a pic to prove it!!!!!

Meeting a maiko had always been my dream since I was 16, 17. I really couldn't believe my eyes when I saw their backs. I ran after them and asked for permission to take their photos. This is insane... I really couldn't believe it. I felt like I'd just met an icon. True enough, they are huge icons for the old Japan.

I couldn't even let go of them when they walked away. I need to take a pic of their long long obi. The beauty of maiko kimonos are their long obi. Magnificent. Such magnificent obi. I bet they cost more than my entire Japan trip. /sobs

I know my moments of happiness seem silly to you. But these are truly what made my entire Japan trip a dream holiday came true. This is more than what I expected from Japan. I'd gotten more than I wish for. Therefore, I am forever grateful for this trip. It's a great holiday trip no matter what.

My heart..... my heart yearns for a second trip.

..FYI..

2011-09-23T12:33:00.000+08:00

I never thought that I need to explain myself to others. The more you explain the more it seems like you are trying to cover things up. But in this case, I need to make things clear because I hate it when people assume things about me. And I hate it when those people are my old schoolmates or whoever they think they are.

About my Japan trip. Nobody paid for my Japan trip. You think it's a work trip? No. You think it's a sponsored work trip, like my trips to Singapore and Sarawak? No. I went with my aunt, therefore, she must have paid for my trip too? No.

My Japan trip is entirely, wholly sponsored by myself. Everything, including the littlest thing, every yen, came out from my own pocket. And mind you, my pocket isn't that deep. In fact, it's barely there. I never let my aunt paid anything for me. If she pay for any meals first, I will immediately pay her back. The only time she bought me something in Japan is in a cafe in Omotesando, where we drank Honey Lime Green Tea (WTF IS THATTTT - but it tasted nice!) which cost about 300yen. And I was too lazy to take out my wallet at that time.

I am not shy to tell you how much I spent there. In fact, I am proud that I got a great deal out of an expensive country. I spent roughly RM4.8k there. No more than RM5k. Thanks to my aunt who spent all her time hunting for cheap but comfortable hotels and thanks to AirAsia for supporting Japan tourism, we saved a lot for both things. The rest of the RM4.8k is spent on the JR Rail Pass, eating and shopping. To spend only RM4.8k for a complete eight-day trip in Tokyo and Kyoto is beyond reality. Therefore, I am glad.

Why do I need to state these things out? Not because it is boasting. There is nothing to boast when we travel cheap. Boasting is when you spend more than RM10k for eight days in Japan, because you shopped expensively and, stay and eat luxuriously.

This is not boasting. This is to clarify your speculations, your assumptions that my entire trip isn't paid by myself. You think I cannot afford this myself. May I ask, why not?

I had been working for two years. Exactly two years, of which I had been saving and starving (well, not exactly) for this trip. My dream trip. My salary ain't much. You think I have a lot of savings because I live with my family, therefore I don't need to pay rent and such. Oh, darling. How wrong are you?

Although I live with my family, I still need to pay rent because we don't own the apartment. I have a car to pay off. I have a cat to feed (he eats A LOT and his litter costs much too). But still, I try to save as much as I could. And I can still afford to give my parents pocket money every single month. If it isn't because my old car broke down and I bought a new car, I think it wouldn't take me this long to go to Japan.

Instead of looking for flaws in my trip, why won't you just be happy that your friend, your useless little friend in school, now achieve something that you never expected her to?

Jealousy? I was an extremely jealous person, and it peaked when I was 19. Now that I am grown up, I think jealousy is useless. You spend your days being jealous at someone but not doing anything to boost yourself up, what's the point? Channel your jealousy into something more productive, please.

Hate? I was a very hateful person, in fact, I still am. I hold grudges, forgive is okay, but I never forget. However, I am a much more peaceful person now because I learn how to channel my negativity into something more useful. I dunno, maybe channel your anger and hatred into workforce? Turn into an energy that will help you to concentrate at work? I dunno about you but that is my way.

I am sure you can go for your dream holiday one day too. Not now, but maybe later. I never rushed my Japan trip to prove to others that I made it! If I am really crazy about showing off to you, I would have gone to Japan the second month I started working. THAT, is showing off.

It took me two years to save enough money for this trip and it's totally worth it. It's never easy when you have peanuts as salary.

But it will be a lie if I say that I am not proud of myself. I am extremely proud of myself not because I compare myself to you all. It's because this is the first trip that I paid for myself entirely. Not one cent from my parents or sisters. It's all me. And I don't need a rich boyfriend to bring me there too. Besides, the effort I put into the research of the trip made me feel capable. I no longer fear of getting out of country. I no longer fear of being a tourist. I no longer fear of being lost.

I am proud of myself, finally. first time in 22 years. I feel happier now after my trip.

I am sure all of you will have a chance to feel this one day. I wish you best of luck. I hope I got my message clear. I am sure that you all can do better than me in the future. I wish you all best of luck.

Why compare with me, when I am just a measly office worker? One day, all of you will become a professional and so darn rich that you won't even remember your friend went to Japan on her own expenses when she was only 22. Don't waste your energy on hate and jealousy. Channel it to your assignments!

Well, that's all my long-winded crap talk for today. Remember, nobody paid for my trip and please, stop making assumptions about me anymore. You and I, are not even friends anymore. Goodbye.

*glitter* Let there be PEACE!!! *glitter*

..post-japan..

2011-09-20T20:39:00.000+08:00

I still cannot believe that I made it there and now I'm back. This morning when I woke up, I thought I was in the hotel in Tokyo. How I wish.

Really, I want to go back there now. I want to be there right now. On my last day there, I thought to myself, why don't I just sell off everything I have now, take all my money from my bank and just go there and work as whatever I can be. I will even work as a road sweeper or a toilet cleaner there in exchange of a life there.

Individualist. Japan is the best place for individualist as myself. Japanese are individualists. They hardly speak to strangers on the train as they prefer silence. They may have already brushed shoulders on a daily basis, but they would rather not get to know each other.

Fast paced walking. Almost running. I found my usual walking speed almost similar to theirs. I blend in the crowd easily as I am shorter than most of them and I walk as fast as them.

Bicycles. Bicycles everywhere. I'd always imagine a life with only bicycles. And trains. Two vehicles I love most in the world. And only Japan is the safest place for both of that transportation.

Greatest customer service in the world. Smiles everywhere. Help everywhere. You walk out to the street and you immediately feel happy. and mostly, Safe. So safe. I could sling my bag back and forth and nobody will snatch it away.

But I know exactly what goes on behind the mask of safeness and individualism. Japan is also one of the most sexist place on earth. And no forgetting to mention the self-induced work stress. Japanese thinks that they are never good enough for anything. Even though that is what makes them so much better than other countries, but that is also what makes the suicide rates climbing steadily over the years.

I love Japan. I love the country so much. But we know although grass is greener on the other side, there will be some parasites living underneath the grass.

But I will still love Japan. I love Japan before I go there and I love Japan even more now. I feel happier when I'm there. Even though there are things happening around me that makes me feel bad, I will still feel happy and smile for the rest of the day. Japan is just so positive, upbeat, colourful and full of fresh air to me! I'd never felt that way before. Not even in my own country.

I will cherish this first trip of mine preciously even though it is flawed. This is an experience that I will never forget as I will definitely make plans to go there again. I learnt a lot about Japan for the past eight days. I can also confirm that I can definitely survive if I go there alone next time.

Tokyo, Kyoto... I will be back. Wait for me. ^^

..so, here we go..

2011-09-11T05:26:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, at 5.22am, I will be standing at the observation deck in Haneda Airport, looking at the sun rise. The morning vapour slowly disappear into thin air and I might even get a glimpse of Mount Fuji from afar.

Oh dear, is this coming true? Is this real?

This is it. I am finally going to Japan, the country that I had been hoping, longing and dying to visit.

This is it. My dream is coming true.

Gosh, at times like this, I do love my life.

This will be the best week of my life.

Here we go.

..not quite..

2011-09-07T02:25:00.000+08:00

Nope... not quite over ShotaBale yet....

..walk about it..

2011-09-05T18:59:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you just need new shoes to be happy. Pretty shoes. Yep.

..meow..

2011-09-01T17:55:00.001+08:00

Pet peeve #9284810498731:
People who said that they are shy but actually, they are not at all.

There are people who are shy at first meeting. For instance, me. Everyone who first met me, they said the same thing. "You looked shy", "You don't talk much" or "You seemed pissed off at everyone and everything". I get the last comment the most. I inherited my mother's '24/7 pissed off' face.

But when you get to know me, you couldn't wait for me to shut my mouth coz I just won't stop talking. In actuality, I am far from being shy. That is why I've never told anyone that I am a very shy person at all. I am only very very shy when I meet strangers coz I dunno what you like or dislike, so I don't dare to say anything in fear of offending you. (Funny right? 'fear of offending' HAHAHAHA)

When I am on stage presenting something or doing public speaking (as I did when I was in F6), I have major stage fright. I am not shy, but I have major stage fright. These two are very different things, mind you. Kurt Cobain had stage fright too, that is why he used his hair to obscure his views of the concert goers, or he closes his eyes a lot when he sang.

Anyway, define shy.

If you do not have these four 'symptoms', you are not shy at all. So, please don't use this word loosely.

I don't get how people can come up to you the first time you met them, and straight to your face, telling you that he/she is shy. "I am shy. I don't like to talk to others very much. I don't think they understand me"

Oh ho ho, my dear. That is not shy. That just means that you are very insecure of yourself and also, thinks that the whole fucking world revolves around you.

I also have severe insecurities problem but I am not shy. You see, I am a very conflicted person. So, I better stop using myself as a proper human example. HAHA

Anyway, why do I hate it when people tell me that they are shy? It's like this, people who are crazy won't admit that they are crazy. You will not find an insane person in an asylum who will come up to you and say "Hey, you know what? I am crazy! trolololol I am mentally unstable, that's why I'm here!" .

Personally, I think it's highly impossible for anyone who is actually shy to admit that they are shy. If they are really shy, they wouldn't be telling you stuff like this. It's just the same concept with thin people who keeps telling others that they are fat. Or pretty girls who kept telling people that they are ugly.

In conclusions, people who actually come up to you and tell you, in your face, that they are shy are attention-whores. End of story.

Okay, of course, it's not that easy for me to end this post. I haven't rage yet, you see. So, what prompt me to write this post?

I have a friend who told me that she is camera-shy. Define camera-shy. I don't really wanna quote wiki but only wiki has the definition.

"Camera shyness refers to anyone who is unwilling to be photographed. It is common for people who are camera shy to fear public speaking, and/or performing in front of an audience, especially if they are having their picture taken by any type of camera or being recorded by video cameras.

People who are camera shy usually think of themselves as not being photogenic. They may lack confidence about themselves, including their general appearance" .

You see, I have stage fright but I don't have camera shyness. That is why I told you that I have a very conflicted personality.

So, my friend who came up to me telling me that she has camera shyness, I believed her. Because she seems like a very reserved person. So, I though, okay well lets not take a picture then. I don't fancy taking pictures of my face too, not because I'm shy, but I look horrid most of the time and I don't think I need to leave evidence of my ogre-face. .

But then, when I saw albums and albums and albums of self-shot camwhoring pix in her facebook page. Gosh, just stab her with a paper knife please.

Camera shy??? Camera shy your arse! She went from thick make ups and revealing clothes to being topless OKAY! With all these supermodel-wannabe poses and expressions. What the fuck went through your fucking mind when you said you are camera shy????

Urgh, nothing irritates me more than these attention-whores! Mind you, I am not hating on shy people here. I am just hating on those whores who tell lies so that people will like and praise them!

Why did she tell me that she is camera-shy? Well, I can only think of a reason. So that when I go to her profile and saw her self-shot pix, I will comment, "Hey gurrrrlllll,, ya look uber pretty herreee! why duncha take more pix! ya so hot babeee!"

Yeah. Like that. But sorry hor, I don't do such things. Sorry to disappoint you.

Please, people. If people like you, they will like you. You don't have to do things to make others like you. I'd tried that, it didn't make a difference because I'm not a likeable person.

Why lie in order to fish some sympathy out of a stranger or a new friend? Or fish for votes like some contestants on American Idols did?

I remember there was one year an Asian girl contestant was on that season and she has a very big voice, like Christina Aguilera. She can sing so damn well. BUT whenever they conduct an interview or when they speak to her on stage, she quipped in this soft child-like voice and often squeezed her shoulders tight like trying to disappear from the stage. I FELT LIKE FLY-KICKING HER IN THE STOMACH.

WADAFARK bitch! You think you act like that you can get more votes is it?!!!! Shy? Shy your head lah shy. If you are shy, you won't be like a different and more confident person when you are performing!!! When she sings, it looks like she's dreaming that she's the biggest star on earth. Very good eye connection with the audience and the judges.

BUT when she stopped singing, she looks like a child in a pedophile field! WTF! I fucking hate her loh seriously. Luckily, her strategy didn't work and she got voted off quite early although she can definitely sing better than the other.

SEE, you may garnered a little sympathy in the beginning when you tell or imply to people that you are shy, but nobody can stand your antiques for long. People will know what an attention whore you are soon.

So, why lie? Why? If you are really shy, people will know. You don't have to tell. If you are really shy, people will have the instincts to protect you, to care for you.

You don't have to do extra to make people accept you, love you or whatever. You just need to be yourself. And always think before you say anything, because there will be someone like me out there, who will get irritated easily and will chastise you for that one little mistake you make. But then, you don't need people like me as your friend lah, coz I understand that it is difficult to be my friend. Heheheh

It's just that, I cannot tolerate bullshit. There is enough bullshit in the world. Bullshit is thrown at me daily, I don't need friends who bullshit me some more. So, yeah. I am very picky in choosing friends. So, I would rather not to have any. I shall just stay at home with my cat, reddit and stalk male actors. wtf.

Anyway, this ends my post on my yet another never ending pet peeve list. Words and words. Goodbye.

Here's Christian Bale holding a nail gun behind your head.

..post #666..

2011-08-31T23:36:00.001+08:00

Many moons ago I was such an unhappy person. If you want me to choose one thing that makes me feel the worse in my life, is when I am under-appreciated.

When I started working, I felt under-appreciated by my boss and everyone else in the office. I have no idea how to find my ways in the city as I grew up in another state's small town. I got lost so many times that I would cry my heart out in the car when I'm lost and late for assignments.

It wasn't just going to events and writing for me back then. The horror of the city maze added even more stress to my mind and body. I had so much to take care of when I was just a stupid kid trying to make a decent living in the city. Then, my existence in office was basically uncared for that I felt really abandoned and don't belong at all. I felt as if nobody cared that I got lost en route to assignment and nobody could see how much effort I put in for this.

But then I asked myself, why should anyone care? Why do everyone need to appreciate 'my effort'? Everyone is putting their own efforts in the company and why do I need to be appreciated by my boss when I am already paid to do what I am suppose to do? My effort is equivalent to what I am already paid, so why did I ask for so much more?

I was a young kid in the city and I thought the world revolves around me. And everyone should acknowledge my being. If I can time-travel back to two years ago, I would smack myself in the face and slam my head to the ground for being such a stupid and selfish kid.

But yet, I went through that phase and learn that appreciation can come in many forms and as Asians, we are not known to show our feelings out loud.

I didn't feel that way anymore until mid of this year when I was, well somehow joined a group of fashionistas to do something that never really in my book - Fashion.

Initially, we were a close-knitted gang who indulge in the same interest and would love to go further in that line of interest. And on a two-night road trip, one of us came up with an idea and all of us were extremely excited for it. When the idea is formed, we brainstormed for a group name.

After an hour or so, I gave them a name and all of them agreed on it. And then there were many other stuff that I suggested too. They wanted to open a fashion store on our own, more than just a shop, a cafe for all of us to hang out when we are free. All we wanted was just the place where we can sit around and enjoy everyone's company. Opening a store was their dream. Becoming more famous on the blogosphere was their dream.

Then, everything goes on to a serious mode and we started to make things happen. The blog was done by our leader and she did a great job. The blog serves as a purpose of getting readers to learn more of our fashion interest and gain more 'fans' so that when we open our store, people will definitely come even if we are situated in some dingy place.

Then to commemorate the launch of our team, we shot a video. Ideas were thrown around and none of us want to speak in front of the camera because we hated how the other 'fashionistas' spoke pretentiously on camera and it annoys the hell out of us. Then, I came up with stop-motion video and they all agreed on it.

The video was shot in one day with over a thousand photos taken that day. And while three of us do not have the software to edit the video, we left it on the hand of our leader and another teammate. But turns out the other teammate couldn't do nuts, so it was left it to our leader to finish editing with much difficulties.

In just about twenty days, leader rushed us to launch the blog. Leader is a very very impatient person, but we ourselves were excited for the launch as well. So, we agreed and we successfully gained much views on our first blog post that we actually gotten the notice of some important people in the industry too.

But what came after that was less magical. We never really discuss what do we want to publish on our blog. That is the first mistake. Nobody really talked about 'what should we write to gain more readerships?'. So, I took the initiative to give them the idea that we each take turns to write a post on anything related to our line of interest and post them on blog to share our minds to our readers. That's basic journalism. How do you gain readership unless you write something?

Of all five, I was the one with least fashion knowledge but somehow, I volunteered to be the one who write the first few posts for our blog because I wanted to help. I wanted to help so badly because I felt as if I couldn't do much to help them. So, I volunteered but still, I told them to take turns to write posts because the blog is a team effort and I alone cannot manage the blog by myself because I have my own real job to attend to.

The next five months or so was so difficult for me and I almost lose my job because of this un-paid gig. Why?

For five months, I was the only one who manage the blog as well as our e-mail inbox. Since I am the writer for the blog, I might as well just help them with replying e-mails right?

When I left the team in July, there was a total of 42 blog posts in the blog and 38 posts were written by me from the five-month free-service I gave them. Don't forget, while writing for them, I also have my job to attend to.

In that five months, whenever I asked them to help write something for the blog, none of them will lift up their fingers for it. The reasons they gave me were so funny indeed. 'I have no idea what to write about' is the one that I got most often.

Well, darling. I don't have anything to write about either but still, I came up with so many posts. I wasn't even so hardworking for my job, seriously.

I understand that leader is a working person too, but erm, I am working too, right? If leader is tired of working, what makes them think that I am not tired from work too? But she never really helped with the blog or even checking the e-mails often.

Then the others... I didn't even rush them to write anything. I just asked them to contribute at any time they want. Just a post per week. That is all.

When they do help, I will edit their posts before posting up on the blog. Grammar mistakes, fonts and words usage. Making the posts easier to understand and of course, gain interests.

By then, I was managing the blog, the e-mail account and doing editing job too; while they will sell clothes online and at bazaars occasionally. That is a tad bit of unfairness, don't you think? Let me just compare how unfair it is.

I write posts, reply comments on blog. I check the e-mail daily, in fact, the first e-mail I open everyday was the team's e-mail. Not even my personal and work e-mail. Then, I will find more inspirations and learn more about fashion so that I can write on the blog. I even open up a facebook page for the group and yes, it added up to my work load too coz I have to manage the page to keep everyone interested. At the same time, I am working for my boss, handling two assignments daily.

On their part, leader couldn't online from work, so she just concentrate on work. By the time she reach home, she will complain what stress she had to handle from her boss or housemates. And she is always too tired to do anything else after that.

Another who is taking care of her sister's shop at that time, do not have a broadband at store, so it's okay that she didn't contribute even one post.

One more, I have no idea what she does everyday, maybe she is busy. Maybe she is not. I have not the slightest idea.

Then, the one at university. The one who spends her time on tumblr, trying to be a hipster so badly. The one who reblogs every single thing on earth. The one who acts as if she is still 16 years old when she is already 24. The one who hashtag every single songs she listen to because she puts auto-tweet on her itunes or whatever. The one who wanted to be everything- chef, artist, tailor, etc.

So, there I was handling two jobs at one time. Didn't complain a single thing to them. But whenever I have to ask them to contribute to their own blog, I felt as if I was asking for their 'help'. Why do I need to ask for their 'help'? Aren't help is always there in a team work? Why do I feel as if I was the only one who handle everything for the blog and business?

Owning a store isn't my dream. Being famous on the net isn't my dream either. So, why am I the only one doing all these things? For them?

I reached my first breaking point when I went outstation for work. I told them to update blog as well as check the e-mails when I was away because, it was just three days and I will be back on my station after that.

When I came back from work, to my horror, the e-mail was untouched for three days and there were some important e-mails to reply too. I was so angry beyond words. I couldn't even tell you how pissed off I was at that moment.

It was just THREE days that I was away. And they couldn't even bother to check the mail ONCE? Okay, lets say it slips off their minds. Then may I ask how come it slips off their mind when THIS is their business, this is their dream? It isn't mine, you know. It's theirs. And I helped because I wanted to contribute at least a little. I didn't know I have to be a fulltime unpaid manager, you know?

I didn't want to make a fuss, so I just swallowed these in and just resume to whatever I need to do. Yes, including back to the station where I became their slave. At that moment, I was so stressed and depressed because I had so much to do with two different jobs.

I don't understand it at all. They acted as if I was suppose to do everything for them. Of course, they will say thank you occasionally but I truly felt under-appreciated back then.

One of the things that makes me feel worse is when we have to attend bazaars in group. These buyers will come to our stalls and gush over leader and the others. They asked for photos desperately and acted like they had seen a huge superstar.

But nobody ever noticed me. Not that I want to be in the centre of attention. It's just that, nobody ever noticed me. I was always at the background. I was always the fat and ugly one. I was the one who doesn't dress up as cute as the others. When photos of us pops up on our facebook page, tonnes of praises will be thrown to everyone else and nobody will ever mention me.

There it goes. The ultimate under-appreciation. There I was, working day-to-day to manage the e-mail, blog and facebook page, and nobody even acknowledged my existence. I suspect there were people who hated me too because I am so ugly that I might spoil the entire team's image.

I was the one who replied 'fans' comments. I was the one who talk to organisers through e-mail. I also corresponded with some blog readers. But in the end, when you see them in real life, they won't even notice your existence.

There were so many underlying problems with the team that I feel I am not really needed to be in it. There were times when decisions were made without enquiring my opinions and at times, even the other four members do not acknowledge my existence. I am obviously not an important figure in the team.

Also, I never wanted to indulge myself in fashion. I was never a fashionista or whatever. I just love to have fun and enjoy life. I thought my help worth a lot to them but it never really was.

When I left the team, I think they were actually glad because the 'bossy' figure in the team is not around to boss them anymore.

They fail to understand that whatever I asked them to do at that time, is all for them. I just wanted to help them to reach the kind of fame in the industry that they always wanted.

Do you think that it is for me? No. Why would I? I would be caught dead by my boss if he knew I was so busy doing something else out there. Afterall, I am paid to do my job, while I got nuts for helping the team. But he did once lectured me about my working ethic because I was always late to submit my articles because I was too busy managing the team.

When I compare this under-appreciation to the under-appreciation I felt two years ago for work, I do not think that I am wrong in anyway. I have the right to be angry this time because I am not obliged to help them. I am not paid to do what they wanted me to do. I was not signed to help them. The only thing that I get from them is some discount when I buy their clothes.

But why did I help them? Because they were my friends. This is the only time when I wasn't being selfish and actually work so hard for other people. But when they turn their back on you even when you asked for their help, you should know that it is time to let go.

There are a lot of more things that made me left the team and most of them are because I couldn't stand how immature and naive some of them are. Out of the four of them, only one is the most sensible and knows how to handle things well and another is just a young soul who still don't know what she want to do in life.

One just couldn't wait to get married and stop working so hard for a living. And another who thought she is the hippest of the hipsters, is just the epitome of immaturity. For someone who is 24 going on 25, it is just unacceptable for her to be so immature.

But it doesn't matter anymore because I had distanced myself from them. I wish I could still be friends with them but they caught me at the worse moment ever. When I left the team, I just wanted silence and serenity because I was so busy and had so much work to catch up with.

But I think it's best that we go separate ways because we don't exactly have the same visions in life. They have theirs and I have mine. At least mine consists of working hard for it, than waiting for someone else to realise the dream for them.

This is the story that I had wanted to write for a long time. And I think it is time to just let it go completely.

This is my side of story. Nothing is as pretty as we always wanted it to be. I wish I have a pretty friendship but it is difficult when things like this are involved. I still wish we never started the team. Then we might still be friends now.

The team signifies nothing. It's just an empty shell of a dream. And the dream is out there, never confined, fleeting away as you try your best to chase it.

Every dream, every aspiration, every ambitions need a certain amount hard work that you need to put in yourself. There isn't anyone out there to help you. But when you find someone who are willing to help, please don't stand there and wait. Do give your share of help and lets realise the dream together. It is your dream after all. So, don't expect other people to help you without you contributing anything.

So, that's all I wanted to say.

This is my Thr5t story. Goodnight.

p.s.: hipster-wannabe still owes me rm50 from the rm100 she borrowed from me since early april.
I don't even need the 50 bucks, but it really is just the matter of courtesy. She came from a rich family with a huge pretty bungalow but she couldn't return a mere rm50 to a working-class me. This will be the last time I will ever lend anything to anyone.

..shotabale..

2011-08-31T04:50:00.000+08:00

So, I'd always been a big movie buff but I always prefer old films than new ones. Also, I love to watch films of child actors who now grown up to be Oscar-winning actors and actresses. Natalie Portman in Leon, for example. And so, the other day after watching Velvet Goldmine and I really really liked Christian Bale in that one coz he has this very childlike face for that film.

I'd never seen him with such innocent and cute expressions before. So far, I only remember him looking angry, pissed or psychotic like this.

Yep... I'd also seen him smile normally but he still look rather psychotic because his persona in American Psycho pretty much stick in my head forever after watching it last year.

Yep, like this. Still very psychotic to me. Plus the beard and all.

And for many many times I also thought that he is wayy too committed (read: FARKING CRAZY COMMITTED) in his acting because in this decade alone, he often goes from thin to skinny within a year for one film and to the next. Like this recent case:

Yep, this happened within a year. He lost all the weight for his junkie character in The Fighter (which, he won best supporting actor for it. totally deserve it!) and in half a year he needed to get back in shape for Dark Knight Rises. So.... yeah. I really thinks that he is insane.

Anyway... Being new to his very innocent face in Velvet Goldmine and Little Women, in which, he looks like this.

Yep, this is Christian Bale in the 90s before insanity creeps to his mind in the 2000s.

...I'd decided to watch his very first feature film, in which he basically carried the whole film to himself, despite being just a 13 year-old. Behold....

13 year-old shota-Bale. I will be calling him shota-Bale from now on.

I am too lazy to tell you what the movie is about but you can go wiki it yourself. It's called Empire of the Sun. It's a war film that revolved around an innocent child: shota-Bale.

Watch this and see how shota-Bale reacts when he lost his mother.

Maybe, for all your life, you had been listening to adult-Bale speaking in American accent but that's only because he is acting as an American. But to listen to shota-Bale speaking in British accent plus a girly voice? Gosh, where can you find that? HAHAHAHA

Also, vulnerable-looking Bale ? No way you gonna get that now! I think for the next thirty years, he is going to play kick-ass hero or villain! So basically, Empire of the Sun is a film that Bale-fans should appreciate hahahhaa.

Okay, I don't have much to say except that I am going to spam shota-Bale till I run out of his stills.

too darn cute urghhhhhh

Never knew a 13 year-old can be this suave.

It's a war film. You can't expect things to get better at all. So, our little protagonist here later looks like this...

Amazing how a hair cut can make him look like he had grown a year or so.
Things got worse after he had a changed hairstyle and one of the worse scene to watch is how the small boy slowly loosing his mind and humanity.

"Cadillac of the skies!!!!!" he cheered as bombs landed around him.

Whoa, I cried like hell in this scene when he said that he couldn't recognise his parents anymoarrrrrr T____T This is the first scene in the entire film he reminded himself that he once had parents who dotted on him dearly. Through out he was strong-willed and never once said anything about his parents or even breaking down in tears.

Nearing the end, this lively little boy is no longer talkative. He became so lost in hope and humanity that deaths basically means nothing to him anymore.

Whoa this scene.... You can tell he is such a good actor by that lifeless stare he had here when he started off the film as such a cute little innocent boy. This expression here just told you that he had seen a lot more than you ever do. Do you know what Thousand-yard Stare is? This kid nailed it. Gosh shota-Bale is awesome.

The most emotional scene is still the ending when he is in an orphanage, still living the trauma he had been through the last couple of years. His parents came to pick him up but...

HE COULDN'T RECOGNISE THEM AT ALLLLLL BAWWWWW T____T just look at that faceeeee

The whole scene, he didn't utter a word but just touches his mother's hands, lips and hair. Then, with the same expression, he hugged his mother....

with this vacant stare... It was just acting.. but this boy eyes looks like they're dead and devoid of all innocence after all that experience. I can totally see why they chose him over 4000 kids!!!! Now, compare the first picture I posted of shota-Bale with this last one. I dunno how to tell you how great his acting is unless you watch the film and see the transition yourself!!!!

GOSH, what is the brilliance of Christian Bale???? His adult acting may be super duper awesome and well deserving to win an oscar BUT OMFGOSH, to know that he started off THIS AWESOME is just gggggrrrrrrrrr some people are just a lot more talented than others!!!!!

ANYWAY I FOUND THE ENDING SCENE, SO JUST EFFING WATCH IT AND UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL NOWWWW!!!!

Jesus-fucking-christ...

So... wadaya think? I think I may have a new actor added to my best actor list. Darn, you shota-Bale. I'm not even slightly interested in adult-Bale before even though I watched all of his top films.

Shota-Bale changed my view entirely on Christian Bale. I will have to start watching out his new films already. As if I don't have enough male actors to watch out for.

Stab me with a paper knife already!!!

..paper clips..

2011-08-29T21:51:00.000+08:00

I have to keep telling myself that I am happy I am happy I am happy I am happy.

The truth is, I really am happy. But why at the same time, I feel sad as well? I don't understand this conflicted feeling. Duhurr... Anyway, due to the lack of pictures in my blog posts lately, I've decided to put some random pix I found on the internet here.

Things that inspires me at the moment.

Can anything be cooler than this photo of Thompson, John Cusack, Johnny Depp and a blow-up doll in a car together? With a cigarette each too. Possibly not ciggie, but some rolled up weed. Just, look at Cusack's face and Johnny's intensity behind the steering wheel. By the way, the car is stolen too. Gosh, this photo is beyond awesomeness.

Why, hello there Constable Ichabod Crane~

Ditto, Deppy. Ditto.

Nobody can be Deppy enough in the industry, Burton.

Very very good soundtrack for my trip to Japan next month. Shall play Alone in Kyoto by AIR when I'm in Kyoto.

Forbidden sunset. Took this pic last year I think.

Soon.

I wish someone can stop me from listening to Björk's Pagan Poetry because the tune is so melancholy. But then, it's such a good song. Can't get the tune out of my head at all.

Got myself messed up in her tunes. Don't think I can pull myself out of the fandom now. ;P

Think I can get her new album, Biophillia, in my country? Damn this album cover is awesome! And her new songs are just.... gosh.... so damn good.

And I think this is the big news? Yeah, got myself on a flight to Tokyo next month. Will be going to Kyoto too.

And a big 'Fuck You' to those who don't think that I can make it without a piece of useless paper like degree or diploma. I'm 22 and I am in a far better position than most of my old school mates in colleges and uni now. Enjoy masturbating to your paper assignments and giving blow jobs to useless college guys now. Don't forget to pay off your study debts too. See you in 2013, suckers.

Yeah, that's how I deal with my own insecurity. By reminding myself how I am doing well by myself now and reminding myself that those fuckers who looked down on me still have so long to go before they can have what I am having now. I know there are far better ways to be uplifted but I choose this way because I am a sadist and I love seeing people I hate doing worse than me now.

That's all the hate I have for tonight. Now, let me continue watching shota-Bale in Empire of the Sun. Goodnight.

..drown..

2011-08-26T01:30:00.001+08:00

I have a sudden urge to cry. It just dawned me that the meme, Forever Alone, is no joke. It's real.

Alone. Forever. Empty. Space.

I want to lie down on a field, feeling the wind, watching the birds circling in the sky and hearing the rustling sound of leaves from afar.

Curled up alone.

Cold.

..empty reading..

2011-08-25T03:31:00.000+08:00

I'd just finished reading my blog posts for this year. I didn't realise how negative I was for the past seven months and apparently I still am.

I had, of course, been through happy times and moments this year. But for some reasons, the loom of darkness that eludes from my blog reminds me of my unhappy times. Maybe I shouldn't have read any at all.

What I realise is that I emit my negative energy through my writings. I find it a little difficult to tell people about my own problems or the real emotions anymore. I may rant about other people or things that happened around me, but I never really tell anyone what's going on inside my head anymore.

Well, except maybe through my twitter where I have complete freedom to say what I feel. But still, strangers lurks through the tiniest openings and I still find myself not being honest to anyone, including myself.

Can I live through my own lies and cover-ups anymore? Should I search for help? Should I speak up? Should I open up my problems to anyone?

Sadly, the only living thing I trust in this world now is my cat.

Human beings are the ugliest creatures on earth. None of us are genuinely nice. We all have the necessary and unnecessary evil within us. There isn't anyone who I can fully trust anymore.

Once again, I fell into the black hole and trying to fight my way out to see the bright sun light again.

It's a grim, grim world.

I wish to speak but I think writing my feelings out are better. At least, people can choose to read it or not. They can always skip my tweets or just don't read my blog.

For now, I can only smile my ways through my daily lives. Who doesn't like to see a smiling person, even if it's a fake smile?

..rip the banana..

2011-08-22T17:45:00.002+08:00

Pet peeves #8246895102986465182:

When people say "I'm taking a break..." from etc etc etc.

I have a LOT of pet peeves. Like my personal god -Carlin once said: "I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic hatreds!" I just found this one out today. And it bothers me to hell.

I don't like the phrase 'taking a break'. The only 'break' I like is Kit Kat.

I hate the phrase even worse when someone uses it to define their holidays. "Oh, I'm going to Bangkok coz I need to take a break from work/life."

'Take a break' is often used in couples' talk. "I need to take a break from you" or "We need to take a break". Which means, a couple need to break up for a while when there are some problem surfaced in their relationships. Even so, 'take a break' often sounds solemn and hopeless. That is one of the reasons why I don't like this phrase.

Why we shouldn't randomly use it? Because it's a stupid phrase. Nobody should take a break from anything. You shouldn't take a break from your homework, You shouldn't take a break from you work, You shouldn't take a break from your relationships, You shouldn't take a break from life itself.

Whenever a problem arise, solve it instead of putting it aside and run away for a short period of time. Why shouldn't you run away? Because you will be back and you will have to face the reality anyway. So, what is the point of 'taking a break'?

I try to find a definition of 'take a break' that comes close to what I feel, but I could only find this.

which sounds perfectly normal and kind of quaint. Nothing about running away from reality. This is what 'take a break' should mean. Nothing negative about it. For example, "I'm taking a break now to the grocery! I'll be back later to fix the pipes!" Positive and non-delusional.

But I did find one from Urban Dictionary and it really define the kind of 'take a break' I mean in this blog post.

"Taking A Break" is the classic escapist cliché.
People with under-developed social skills or lack of problem solving abilities use this as a cop-out.

You will only 'take a break' when you couldn't solve a problem. You think by leaving you can solve it, but in reality, you won't You will only make things worse. So, what is the point of running away?

There are people who goes to holiday for fun and refreshing life-changing experience. That is not 'taking a break'.

When you say you are 'taking a break' from whatever you want to 'take a break' from - by going to a holiday elsewhere, it just mean that you will not enjoy your holiday because you will be thinking about your problems there and then you will have to come back to face it anyway. So, once again I ask what is the point?

You can use the phrase 'take a break' all you like, but never use it for a holiday. Don't ever say "I'm taking a break, so I'm going to Paris" because you will sound like a prude.

Personally, there is no such thing as 'taking a break'. It's a fantasy that doesn't work. Just like all religions and their constant request for you to pray for help.

Nobody needs help, You only need yourself to work things out. Solve your problems and quit whining about it or 'taking a break' from it. You need to face it no matter what.

..EHHHHH?..

2011-08-22T05:26:00.003+08:00

You know the fella who did all the cute Japanese DIY food on youtube? No, you don't coz you have much better things to do than to watch someone make videos of themselves making DIY candies. On the other hand, I have no life, therefore, I know.

Click on this printscreen and it will lead you to the video page.

All these while, youtubers are crazy about this channel as much as they are crazy about cookingwithdog, which is, another awesome channel from Japan. (Link on pix below)

Everyone is crazy about anything from Japan anyway, and we need more people to just admire their eccentric cultures and ideas.

But this is not today's topic on this post! It is about RRCherrypie!!! While we are enjoying the constantly updated videos quietly, there are people who asks whether it is a HE or a SHE...

For somebody who makes such cute little food, it HAS to be a SHE, right? Moreover, which guy would name his channel RRCHERRYPIE?

But, the fingers looks a bit boyish (square, flat, cleanly trimmed). There aren't any clues in the videos at all, so we just kinda leave it and enjoy the video as it is. We never really had any idea about it.. UNTIL....

(video link on pix)

"GUY OR GIRL?!!!" asked most youtubers.

The hair is too girlish for a guy and the right eye is so rounded and cute. IT HAS TO BE A GIRL, RIGHT? Which guy would wear a cat ears hairband, RIGHT?

BUT then, the left arm could be a scrawny guy's arm and those fingers are quite manly!! It's Japan anyway, it could be one of those cute guys!!!!! FFFFFFFFF

Is this An ~~effeminate~~ CUTE GUY or JUST A GIRL?

*********************************************

After a zen session, I shall say that this is a girl. End of story. You be your own judge. TROLOLOLOL

***********************************************

UPDATE:

MERE minutes after I posted this... I found the answer.

/nocomment-stilllikehisvideos<3

..isetta, i love you..

2011-08-21T01:04:00.000+08:00

IS THERE ANY WAY, ANY WAY AT ALL I CAN GET THIS CAR NOW????? NOWW?????

I love this car so much, I will name my child Isetta if I ever have one (which will definitely not happen)!!!!!!!!

..i want to hold your hands..

2011-08-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

Date? What date?

This is my date!

Come Ramadan month and Raya, I can finally meet my yearly lover, my date. Selamat berpuasa, my Muslim friends. I love your food so much.

..clock..

2011-08-18T18:31:00.002+08:00

Ahh.. the wind of turbulence.

How to be happy in times like these?

..ah, so the bag of beans finally rips apart..

2011-08-12T16:51:00.000+08:00

When you talk about disappointment, it is always about studies. Disappointed that the results are not good enough. Disappointed that you couldn't get into a university. Disappointed of your son or daughter for not doing well at school.

Or money and work. Disappointed that after all the hard work, you only get peanuts. Disappointed that boss will never give you a chance to shine. Disappointed that things are getting more expensive. Disappointed that you owe so much money to the bank.

Or life itself. Disappointed how day by day is getting worse for you. Disappointed that nothing will improve in the near future. Disappointed in yourself for not doing enough for yourself and your family.

Disappointments.

but to me, I think there is nothing worse than to be disappointed at how a person can change from good to bad and then to worse.

Everyone hopes for the best in everyone they know of. But imagine, the last time you met your friend or anyone you knew of, they are at the best. Happy, healthy, \successful, grateful of what they have in life and have a great future ahead of them. Then when you meet them again six years later and for some reasons, they aren't the same person anymore.

They speak differently and constantly griping on severe money matter, failed relationships and even became an alcoholic. They just don't seem like the person you last saw six years ago. The glimpse of a happy person with a loving family that you saw in your friend, is not there. All you see now is a very flawed human being and through conversations, you found out that it was their peers' bad influence.

What do you do? Will you try to help them? Will you tell them to get their heads up and look into the mirror? Will you do your best to tell them that, the lives that they are living now are not right?

But what if the person is very stubborn? What if they think that whatever that they do is right, and whatever you are saying is wrong?

As a friend, after you try your best to help your friend but they decides to stay that way, the only thing you can do is just leave them alone. After all, they are just friends that you wished well. Whatever happens in their lives in the future probably has nothing to do with you. So, the only thing you can do is just leave when nothing can be done.

However, what if that person is your family member? What if you witnessed things unravels on its own and see -slowly- how a person turn from good to bad and then to worse?

What if you tried to help but things are still doing bad for them because of their stubbornness?

How will you feel? You feel disappointed. You feel disappointed to have such relative, disappointed of the way they treat the rest of the family and mostly disappointed that they have turned into such person that you do not recognise anymore.

What happened? Why did it turn out this way?

This feeling is worse than just being disappointed. This is beyond disappointment. It is that pang of guilt and resentment that you didn't do enough to help them. Help them get back on track. Help them realise things.

What can you do? What can we do?

Since beans are all spilled now and most of it are lost, you can never collect them back again. Time cannot be turn back. Nothing can be done at all.

Now, we are just sitting here and looking at all the consequences that are about to take place.

How bad can a person changed to be? You have absolutely no idea.

..time..

2011-08-09T17:39:00.000+08:00

Busy busy busy. Really wanted to write but never seem to be able to find the time. Time is scarce for me nowadays. So many things to settle, so many things to handle, so many things to finish doing.

I find myself heading back to hometown more often lately. The city had become too much for me at times. I just want to be able to go back and not think about work or people. I just want to spend some time getting my head straight and get my priorities right.

In the city, I can never find the time to think properly. I couldn't figure things out or solve problems. As I sit in my teenage room, I find solace and serenity that can let me just figure things out. How I am going to do this, or which one should I approach first.

I said one too many times that I often go with the flow and let things unfold by itself. But I cannot deny that I am also a rigid planner. I like to plan. I find planning soothing. It's just like others who find cleaning the house or doing the laundry therapeutic. Planning is therapeutic to me.

As I sat there planning the routes and analysing different train stations and commute lines for a coming up travel trip, I find myself not fussing over it or did I feel like giving up and hopeless. I felt like I'm sitting in the train already, passing through stations, searching for platforms and changing trains to reach my destination.

I felt happy and want to learn more about trains and routes and destinations.

I realised, most of the time when I feel lost and hopeless, it's because I was never given the time to sit down, breathe and think about things. Plan it through. Things happen too quick and uncontrollably these days. I couldn't analyse through things or plan how I am going to solve them.

Time passed too fast. I feel as if I couldn't catch up with it and it will eventually leave me behind.

Time passes like trains. They wait for no one. Once you get on the wrong train, it will lead you to a wrong destination that you never wished for. But if you missed the train, you will be left behind and your schedule will be ruined. Even if you take the right train on the next ride, your mistake will still be accountable for. You will never reach your destination on time and thus, missed out on some things that might affect your life.

That is why you need to plan for the right train at the right time. Life cannot afford a single mistake. You have to choose your destination and the time that is most suitable to board -wisely.

I don't want to be left behind. I want to get on the right track. I want to reach my destinations. I'd seen people older than me who made such mistakes. Some made it through. Some chose the wrong train and got lost in the maze of train tracks. I don't want to be like the latter ones.

I don't need a grand welcoming party when I reach my destination. All I want is my cat and my parents to greet me there. Telling me that they are proud of me for making it through the journey.

I need more time. Let me slow down a little. Let me catch up with things. Let me breathe again.

..oh, technology..

2011-08-05T04:15:00.002+08:00

Hullo.. Erm. I'm trying to blog from my phone's wifi while i'm going through another round of insomnia. Lets hope I can fall asleep after this. Nighty..

..holy moly paling suci..

2011-08-03T01:15:00.005+08:00

To 8TV,

A picture worth a thousand words.

..it doesn't really come with wisdom..

2011-08-01T00:57:00.000+08:00

I was looking up for wisdom tooth photos on google and I realised, I have the same fucking problem as most people wtf.

The lower impacted wisdom tooth is the same fucking position as mine!!!!!

More like this though. It's not painful but it's really annoying coz all the food keep getting stuck in the tiny little space between the so-called wisdom tooth and my normal tooth!!!!!

I don't think I have any upper ones, but the lower one is enough to annoy the hell out of me!!!!! I wanted to take a photo of my tooth for you to see but lucky you, my camera went out of battery. So, no gruesome tongue, saliva and yellowing teeth for you to see tonight.

Annoyed. REALLY annoyed. Shall make an appointment soon to pull that motherfucker out.

You wait lah, you just wait, you troll.

..chocolate sticks..

2011-07-31T16:59:00.000+08:00

I'm not even slightly inspired to write a blog post lately. I guess I really have nothing to say. Funny how things unwind by itself. There is not the slightest thing you have to do to move your days forward. You just need to leave it alone and see where it brings you.

I found a zodiac piece on my star sign today. I don't usually read or believe in these things. But somehow, this statement is so true that I was actually appalled when I read it.

How true. Everything is over and I actually have no feel of remorse and longing at all. I am actually glad that I know how to end things and have absolutely no feelings over things that I ended all these years.

Sometimes, things can get more complicated if no one dares or willing to end it. Well, I guess we need more people like me in this world. Heartless person who will end things when it is the right time.

Not quite a positive manner, but definitely necessary. A closure is something we all need in life.

..money does matter..

2011-07-29T21:31:00.000+08:00

Next time, if I have any extra money, any richer, so rich until I can vomit cash out of my mouth, I WILL NOT tell anyone. I don't see why I need to. Every time you know I have money, you will try your best to milk me dry. I don't need that. I don't need that bullshit.

..mirror image..

2011-07-26T00:24:00.000+08:00

I tried to take my mind off things but I find it rather difficult to do so. I don't know why I bother but somehow I do.

There are so many things going through my mind now. Most of the time I fear for the worst to happen.

You ever feel so tired when you have done nothing at all? I do.

I am tired from the moment I wake up everyday. I don't know what is going on. Are things going to be alright? I don't know.

I am bogged down by my own questions and insecurities. Why am I tired? How far can I go? Can I stop reminding myself, how useless I am?

I don't know. I feel as if I'm lost in the jungle again. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do. I don't know what is going to happen.

Why is life so simple yet complicated? What is the purpose of living when we are surely going to die in the end? Why is everything so insignificant?

If anyone asks what is bothering me right now, I can only say 'I don't know'. I really don't. I don't know why I feel grumpy, I don't know why I feel tired. I don't know why I feel sad. I don't know why I feel like I am heading towards nothing, nothing at all.

Am I wasting my life away? Am I doing nothing significant now? Do my existence mean nothing?

I think what I feel most right now is nothingness. Real, empty, neither dark nor bright vault of emptiness. Just empty. Nothing. I cannot breathe because there are no air, I cannot see because the sun is either too bright or nonexistent, I cannot feel because there is nothing happening in here.

Empty. Shallow. Nothing. Life.

..dear amy..

2011-07-24T22:26:00.003+08:00

''I've always been a little homemaker. I know I'm talented, but I wasn't put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mum and to look after my family. I love what I do, but it's not where it begins and ends.'' Amy Winehouse.

Dear Amy,

It was a sunny afternoon when I watched the 2008 Grammy Awards. A friend asked me out that day but I told her to give me an hour. She asked why, and I told her that I need to be there when Amy Winehouse wins all six nominations for the Grammy. She was surprised. "I never knew you listen to R&B!"

I don't. I never liked R&B. Until I found you. And you are the only R&B musician that I genuinely like and enjoy.

I think this may come out as a surprise to most people because nobody really know that I like your music. I admit, I was really quiet about it. But anyway, this is not about me. This is about you.

When you won five out of six nominations in the Grammy, I was happy beyond words. I remembered that I was really angry the next day when Natalie Cole criticised the Grammy for awarding you while you are known more as an addict.

To this day, I still dislike Natalie Cole. No matter what she does or whenever I see her name in anywhere, I will automatically remember what she said about you.

She was wrong. She was blinded by the tabloid. Awards are not suppose to be about awarding a singer for his/her conducts or personalities. Awards should be given to those who are really good at what they do and deserve it. Without a doubt, you deserve your five Grammys.

Nobody understand you problems. Nobody knew who you are. Yet everybody has something to say about you. I do not know you therefore, I decided to say nothing about you.

I was waiting for you to win the fight against addiction. I was waiting for the day when you come back stronger and louder. When I heard that you are on tour, my hopes for your new album lit up. When I heard about your bad performances, I hope you would deal with your personal problems first, so that you can continue doing what you love to do best.

When I heard that you are now gone forever, for some reason, I have to say, I am not surprised but I am very shocked and sadden by this news.

I can deal with my hopes being crashed and that I will never hear you sing another new tune anymore. But I cannot deal with the fact that, you never had the chance to prove yourself to the world that you are more than just a drug addict and a victim to addiction.

Yes, you chose the wrong path when you took your first snort. But no one ever deserve to die alone like this.

For those who said that you deserve no sympathy because you chose this path, they are wrong. You chose to try but not chose to be addicted. Nobody chose to be addicted. Nobody ever wants to feel like that at all.

I still don't know what happened to you yesterday but I have a feeling that maybe, this is the only way you can find peace. Maybe, this is the way you 'fight' the addiction. I don't know. Maybe, it is really time for you to go away, far far away from people who hurt you.

I am not going to judge you, I am not going to blame the people around you (although, I have slight hatred towards your lousy parents). I am just going to remember you and your voice.

The Amy Winehouse I knew was the tiny, too-skinny girl, beehive hairdo and way too much eyeliner with voice that I cannot find elsewhere on earth. After all, who are Adele and Duffy if not because of you, Amy Winehouse? People tend to forget about your talents just because of your problems.

For some of us, your talents are bigger than anything the tabloid portrayed you to be. So don't worry, you will be forever recognised as a great singer.

How I wish I can watch you live on stage, sober, and singing your songs aloud in happiness or in tears.

How is the world going to replace such an extraordinary talent like you? It's hard to know. But for now, we all know that you are going to be a legend. A story that need to be told to everyone so that they will know how bad addiction can ruin a person's life.

No matter how bad a death can be, I believe there is always something good that comes with it. I can only hope people will open their eyes and learn about drug abuse and try their very best to quit it before anything happen to them.

Dear Amy, you will be dearly missed but your voice will continued be heard by generations and generations to come. You will live forever in our hearts. I just want you to know that there are people like us who will continue to love you despite your bad sides.

I can only wish there are more than just 24 songs from you.

Goodbye, Amy. I hope you may attain peace and serenity now. Goodbye.

from,
a quiet fan.

..another hunting game..

2011-07-22T19:14:00.000+08:00

Treasure hunt tomorrow. I'm going to my colleague's house for a sleepover. Tomorrow morning will be starting off from Sepang then... yeah, the game begins.

Well, till Sunday night, I won't be able to go online. So, yeah. Wish our team luck! If we win, I belanja virtual nasi lemak ok? ^^

Byes.

..another rambling that means nothing..

2011-07-21T21:14:00.000+08:00

I am joining my colleagues to go for another treasure hunt again this weekend. It's weird how I was never interested in school treasure hunts but now willing to pay so much just to join.

I am never a person who can solve a puzzle or can bring you out of a maze. I'm always the person who is lost in all the confusion and no matter how hard I try to save myself, I always end up getting even lost and deep in trouble. It mirrors in both game and real life for me.

I often wonder what changed in me ever since I turned 20 two years ago. It's not that I became more mature or more intellectual or even wiser. I am still an immature idiot who doesn't think properly before she speaks.

What shocked me the most in these year alone is how I often raise my hands when somebody asks "who wants to join this and that".

I was never the student who wanted to join every school activities. It always seems troublesome for me to join anyone in anything because if anything happens, I will be the first one to be blamed. Why? Because I am the stupidest one wherever I go.

My school did not encourage me in being outgoing at all. In fact, it made me an introvert.

Well. I am pretty much still an introvert. If I meet a stranger outside of work, I wouldn't be able to be talkative with them, as I do with the people I meet at work.

Anyway, I really wish I can be cleverer. I don't know in what way, but I just want to be more intellectual. More knowledgeable so I will be able to help in any treasure hunts I join.

So far, nobody ever blames me during the two hunts I did but I still wish I can be better. I think, that might be why I want to join more.

Changes. Once a friend said that everyone we know from secondary school had changed. The way she said it, as if she never change but the truth is, she changed too.

Nobody ever realise how much they had changed over the years of growing up. No, I am not talking about appearance because it's not important. The most important change in a person is their personality.

I often wonder in what aspects have I changed? Have I been better or worse? I try to distance myself now from myself in secondary school, but have I succeeded? I really have no idea. I will not know because I hardly stay in touch with those 'friends' I had in those days.

I have my priorities right, I guess? I mean, if a friend you think not worth keeping, then why waste your time keeping in touch with, right? A world will be a better place if there are less nosy people. That including myself hehe.

Some people feel obligated to keep in touch. Just not me. I honestly, do not care what happens to everyone.I'm not talking about those I dislike during school, but also those whom I was friends with.

I had always drawn a line between private personal life with other people's. The line specifically said that "I don't care about your matters, You don't need to probe into my problems". Therefore, if you have a boyfriend, I don't care. If I have a boyfriend, that's none of your business. Something like that.

I don't care how much you earn, you don't need to know where I spend my money on. I don't care if you wear high end clothing, you don't need to look down on my ragged shirts.I don't care if your family has problems, you don't need to know what's wrong with my family.

So, that is simply why reunions are not my thing.

I know I know, nobody will invite me anyway coz I'm an asshole. hehe.

The thing with reunions is that people basically have nothing to talk about except comparing their lives with each other. In a nicer way, it is sharing information after so many years out of school, or sharing happiness.

To me, it's always 'i make more money than you, bitch' or 'my husband's dong is longer than your husband's' or 'i am a doctor now, i am definitely more successful than you now hahahh!'.

Why do we need comparison? Seriously, after all those years in school, do we need another round of comparisons with each other? I could spend my time reading a book or watching a compelling movie than to join in that kind of dimwitted conversations.

If I ever HAD to attend a reunion, I bet I will be the one sitting right there listening to all these stupid people talking. Stupid, not as in academically stupid because everyone are graduates (surely) except for me, which means I'm once again the stupidest of all. Stupid as in, people who will waste so much time comparing something that do not need comparisons.

I mean, what are you suppose to say if someone say "Oh, after I graduated from Harvard, I went on to travel around the world for two years then now I am working as a doctor in Africa saving all those poor tiny skinny kids!"

What are you suppose to say? "Oh good for you!!!" and then go home and feel bad coz you suck in life then proceed to call another friend and tell her how pretentious that Harvard bitch is and then everyone thinks Harvard lady is pretentious and bitchy, then you feel worse because not only that you are a rumour monger but also because you will not achieve as much as her for the rest of your life.

THAT is why suicide rate is climbing steadily now. BECAUSE people wouldn't stop COMPARING!

Stop comparing yourself with others. So what if you cannot achieve what others did? As long as you are leading a happy life, isn't that enough?

How to stop being unhappy in life? Easy, stop meeting up with old friends coz in any way, ANY way at all they can make you feel bad about yourself coz human being will never be content with what they have or own.

Let them have their lives. They want to be honourable, it's their problem. You want to be selfish, it's your problem as long you don't hurt anyone. If you don't meet then, there will be less gossiping and less damage to both your and your old friend's lives.

Reunion? What reunion?! Go and have fun yourselves, I'm sitting at home and be a loser as you all will name me, but I don't care because I am happy and you are happy so it's a win-win situation.

I start to sound like a drunk now. Hahahahah. I don't know what to say except, do not let others ruin your life just because they do better than you. Nobody can do better than others. Everyone have their own problems. Success? What is success? If success can be measured by numbers, then it is not a success. It's pathetic.

Happiness and success can never be measured by numbers. In fact, there is no such things as success and happiness. It's all fake. Try not to feel anything. Try to feel neutral. Be rational. Be logical.

I don't know how to end this ramblings. I swear I didn't drink anything except coffee. Anyway. Bye/ hahaahhahaa

..office wanders..

2011-07-20T19:43:00.000+08:00

If only concentration can be prescribed to me right now.

They should store concentration in a bottle and sell them at clinics. They will make big money from that because nobody can concentrate in anything at all. Especially at work.

Now I'm stuck in a cold office with tonnes of things to finish while there are another strings issues that are circling around me that I just couldn't face the monitor and stroll my fingers on the keyboard as I always do.

Concentration. I seriously lack concentration.

For some reasons, my eyes strays around and just couldn't concentrate on the words at all. It's confusing me as well as tiring me.

Urgh. this is not good. I need to just sit back up straight and just concentrate on what's going on. I need some sleep maybe.

Just need to... concentrate.

..why so..

2011-07-18T16:23:00.001+08:00

I'm kind of in an emotional turmoil right now. Ever since I watched HP last film. I know, I know. It's just a film. It's just a book. I'm not even a huge fan who remembers every spells written by Jo Rowling.

I may seem very attention-whore here or meh meh mehhh or I might be pms-ing now and I dunno but I am dead serious. I really don't feel quite well after that last film. At one point my heart hurts so badly I suspect it's more of a medical problem than emotional problem. But I realised, it's really an emotional problem.

I'm kind of a wreck when it comes to sustaining my emotions properly within myself. I often just express my feelings in whatever chance I could.

While I cried like a part of me just got cut off in the cinema that afternoon, as soon as I left the cinema I couldn't feel anything anymore. Till now. I still feel numb and practically nothing.

I feel kind of empty now. I know clearly that it is not because the first film series that made me interested in western films finally ended, but rather the impact of the story in the last film.

I felt like I just got cursed with avada kedavra and now slowly dying in numbness.

I learnt about courage, loyalty, bravery and the most powerful of all, love. but all I can think of right now is how unfair life can be to certain people.

Of course you know that I am talking about Severus Snape. Who else can I talk about BUT Severus Snape? All the hate that he consumed since childhood could easily be washed away if SHE gives him a chance or at least forgive him for what he said. No, she doesn't need to love him like a lover but if only she can love him as a friend, his life will be much better.

But of course, if things turns out the way I stated there will be no stories there will be no movies there will be no legend.

But me being me, someone who occasionally blame ground and skies for the unfairness of life, I shall now place all blames on everyone including Harry, Dumbledore and of course Snape's lousy parents.

Why Harry? I dunno. Somehow I feel like 'DAMN you harry!!! Without Snape WHO will you be?! GAH!'

Why Dumbledore? I dunno also. I have no strong argument for it but I somehow feel like 'DAMN YOU ALBUS! You basically add salt to his injuries by asking him to take care of harrry!!'

Why his parents? If you don't like each other then you shouldn't have gotten married and have a child and maintain an abusive and loveless home. Have you ever thought of the emotional impact it will have on your child? But anyway, I thank you for your lust for each other at one moment in life that ultimately produced the great man, Severus.

Why am I mentioning all these people like they are real? Because these people exists in this world. These aren't just stories. Relationships like this happens everywhere in the world. Just because we do not notice it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I dunno. All I can say now is I really don't know. The tragic story of Severus Snape just drowns me into a cold lake and being eaten up by mermaids.

I just want to die. Okay, no lah. Just exaggerating but I seriously feel like dying when I saw the always stoic and emotionless Severus cried in that scene.Ahh the brilliance of Alan Rickman.

All I can think of right now is that scene and that scene alone. It will always stuck on my mind till the day I die. It will always be in my heart and mind, how real love can bring one a lifelong devotion, till death do they part.

Always.

..professor..

2011-07-16T19:27:00.000+08:00

TAKE MY HEART. JUST TAKE IT.

[the aftermath of harrypotter7-II)

..random things I wrote..

2011-07-14T17:38:00.001+08:00

So much had changed for the past month.

While I admit that I still have my negative habits and attitude, I have to say that my mind is broaden by all these experience I had.

I learnt so much in this past month. I learn to set my priorities right. I learn to care about some stuff that I never did. I learn to voice out my opinions. I learn to be free of all sorts of regulations.

Of course, I am still impatient, whiny, angry, pushy, irritating, annoying, etc.

Believe it or not, I am trying my best to learn how not to be whatever mentioned above. I had been this way since I was a child and as a Chinese saying said "Personality of a 3 year-old retains 'till 80 year-old" .

But I know that is not quite true. One can change to be better if they try really hard to. I am trying very hard but sometimes, like a drug addict, I relapsed into the old way, which is not good.

If I had been pushy, impatient, irritating and annoying towards you, I beg for your forgiveness. I am learning. I am still learning. I will always be learning. Tell me straight ahead that I am being annoying. I promise that I will not be offended. Don't make me realise it myself because it feels the worst.

I often ask for honesty in everyone I know of. But nobody ever seems to be honest. I don't understand why. Is it really difficult to be honest? Honesty often came out harsh, but honesty can be polite too. Honesty and insults are two different things.

And I know how to differentiate honesty and insults. If you criticism is constructive, I will not be angry at you. In fact I will be glad to know that you are teaching me. I love to learn. So, teach me how to be a better person.

Every time when a relationship fails, I can easily identify the problem. The lack of honesty. A good liar myself, can easily notice which is a lie and which is not. Although I lie a lot but I personally hates liars. So basically I hate myself, which is true. I do hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so much I feel like punching my mirror image on the face. Then I realised that I will just hurt myself, which is ironic because I wanted to punch my mirror image to hurt myself in the first place. What am I talking about? wtf

Anyway, I really want people to be honest with me. I really want people to tell me what am I doing wrong. I need to know the way to improve myself.

Unfortunately, no one ever does that. Nobody ever tell me what I am doing wrong. They wanted me to realise it myself, but as a person, self-delusional is very common and I actually love to be delusional.

In a way that if I bought something that cost RM80, I can actually convince myself that it only cost RM40.

So, it is easy for me to convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong. Nobody wants to know their own faults and this is true. Who wants to tell themselves that they had just done something wrong?

Why do we need friends? Because to tell us how wrong we are in certain things. Good friends will tell you what is wrong with you but of course, don't always take their words for it. Be sure of it yourself. Before you say anything back at your friend, sit down, think rationally if what your friend told you about yourself is true or not. If it's true, tell you friend you agree that you had been an asshole, then subsequently ask them for advice, on how not to be an asshole. If it's not true, then think of a logical argument on why you are not being an asshole and tell your friend about it.

But remember, never defend yourself before you think things through. Don't embarrass yourself. Like I did a lot of times. Now I am not like that anymore, good grief.

I want just one person to be honest with me. One person who can tell me, "can you please stop doing that? it's annoying!" .

I cannot stop myself, therefore, please stop me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to attain zen status in my life. But to think of it, me being zen and quiet and all just really doesn't make sense. So, I shall be noisy and doing clumsy stuff for the entertainment of others. I actually found at least one person who enjoyed seeing me dropping food on the table, spilling drinks on people, driving recklessly and just being myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone please remind me to stop whining in front of my boss or else I will lose my job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be nice, Suwa! Be nice!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Embarrassment is when the other countries treat your rakyat better than you do.

We are under dictatorship, not democracy.

..wise..

2011-07-12T21:44:00.006+08:00

First of all, the whole idea of voting out a corrupted government (given that the next option may not be entirely better) is mainly to remind the people once more where true power lies: us. For so long, the government has twisted the principles of democracy, deluding people to think that we are to be servile to the government, when it should be the other way round.

The hegemony of this very same government has been prolonged too far into our time, when their lies have betrayed the people. An electoral system is to renew in the people the power that they always have on the government. What this means is simple, that no matter what political ideals you hold, the concept of a serving government should never be compromised. And it is currently being compromised at such.

If you feel so strongly against this government, you should vote them out not because you feel that the opposition could do better (indeed maybe they won’t) but that this government has failed. There has been too much false fear among us that we are not permitted to snap the government into knowing where their true position really lie in society. This current government is too comfortable with where they are. A show of defiance is dire to stop them or any impending government from inheriting this deplorable ideal.

You may say that whoever comes to power after would be worse, but again, thats not where absolute power lies. The dichotomy between gov and opp is wholly decided by you, your family, your friends and this vast extension of rakyat. If the future gov ever fails you, lest not you forget that you have the very same power to vote them out. No party should feel like they have won once they ascend to the top. And this is where we come in. For what its worth, any change atm would be for the best.

The people have lost the power for too long, we need to grant us back this. In between the wok and the fire, maybe the truest purpose of democracy lies in the cook. And his tools shall never override him, regardless.

~ as commented by Ida on quaintly.net 's last post.

Dear Malaysians, vote wisely on the next election.

-suwa

..crossing the sea..

2011-07-07T02:49:00.000+08:00

In about three hours time I will be taking a taxi to the station and then get on a train to the airport. Then I will be sitting on a plane to the other side of the country.

IF things will go accordingly. Somehow, from the start of this trip I can feel that everything might not go so smoothly, but hopefully everything will be fine and I will have a good time.

I always have pre-flight anxiety. It's so bad that I will have insomnia. One trip I didn't even sleep for that whole night then get on flight in the morning, slept for ten minutes in the plane then spend the whole day working. Luckily, even if I don't have enough sleep today, I only have a registration going on at 2pm (flight will reach around 10-arrive at hotel at 11am maybe) then a dinner at 6pm.

This trip this time is very leisure indeed. There are events that I can decide to attend or not. If I don't feel like attending, then I can just walk around the hotel doing nothing.

Anyway, I am having my usual pre-flight anxiety now. I packed my bag, hopefully I didn't leave anything important behind.

I will be twittering as well as Facebooking during my stay there as we have wi-fi on the lobby. But I guess won't be much though. Meh, it might do me good if I leave the internet for a while.

I really want to have a good time there. Haih.

Five days. I will only be back here on next Monday. So, till then, have a great week, weekend and enjoy Monday blue. Heh...

Goodnight. ^^

..falling sick..

2011-07-06T13:34:00.000+08:00

I hate to be sick! Especially when I have important tasks to do!

I am going to Sarawak tomorrow morning at a crazy early flight at 8.10am. It's ridiculous. I have to get to the station by 6am, take the train to the airport by 7am.

And now, I am armed with flu, headache, severe sore throat, backache and I am slowly losing my voice. Losing my voice is the worse thing. I lost my voice back in April and that was horrifying. I couldn't talk to anyone. And if you know me, I love to talk.

My work requires me to talk, speak out and ask questions. If I am not able to do that then, what the fuck am I doing here?!

Of course, I can still speak now but seriously, I think by tonight if I don't do anything about it I will just die for the rest of the weekend. Not only I am slightly anti-social when it comes to an event with ten thousand people, now I can't even talk to ask for directions in a foreign place!

And today I am suppose to finish up one article, but now I couldn't think of anything at all. I am contemplating to ask my boss if I can finish it up when I am back from Sarawak. Haihhhh

I dunno. I don't think I can do that. T_T

Shit lah! Feel like I'm going to faint in a minute. How to write like this?!

I'm so tired and worn out and I need to wake up at 5am tomorrow. Truly FML kao kao. How how how? Can I just go home now so I can rest well for tomorrow? I don't want to be sick in Sarawak! Pleasee!!!!

Ahhh all these dilly and dally. I better drink more water now and see how.

..clean..

2011-07-05T16:54:00.000+08:00

I wish I have something to say about the rally. But the truth is, I had lost all hope with our government that I stopped to care about the politics since two years ago.

Back in my school days, I was crazy about the politics. Whenever I have the chance, I will talk to my dad about it. When I go to school I feel awkward because I am the only one who is interested in politics while the others talk about boys, results, popularity etc.

I read every political news and I follow every court case. I find them interesting back then.

But now, I just couldn't care less. I spent the years when I was 15 to 19 hoping that there will be change in our government but nothing happened. There is not the slightest change, instead the problems got worse and to the point that I realised that there is nothing that can be done at all.

I am not a patriotic person. Since I was in my teenhood I told myself that one day I will run away from this stupid country and never come back. Then as I grew, I realised that I don't hate the country, I hate the government, who keeps ruining things for the citizens.

I love my country. I know not everyone in this country are like our politicians.

Back to the topic, I wish I have an opinion about the rally and what is going on right now but to tell the truth, I really have nothing to say. I support the rally but something tells me that the rally will never serve its purpose and nothing will be changed in the government after that.

To the government, our opinions does not matter. To them, we are minority. They will never listen to us, they will never do anything for us. They are just politicians because they can get rich faster that way. All they care about are themselves.

Personally, I think the rally is important yet, useless. I personally do not want the rally to happen because I hate to see our people getting hurt or even killed by our police who tend to open fire without warning. I know to die in honour sounds very respectable but to die for the country yet knowing that nothing can be done and nothing will change, just mean that you had wasted your entire life for nothing.

I don't want people to die. I don't want people to get hurt.

I have no doubts that the government will be aggressive before the citizens do. Because they are cowards. The government and the politicians are cowards. Only cowards will start to defend themselves before any accusation is made.

The same applies to the rally. I am pretty sure that before the peaceful citizens do anything that pose danger to the officers, the officers will be attacking the citizens first. Trust me, I just know it will happen.

We do not want money from the government, we do not want big houses from them, we do not want big cars from them. All these while we complain about our economy but we still live on without rallying.

All we want from the government now is respect. And to listen. And to agree that there is a huge problem in our country. And we are ready to help the government to fix the problem.

We don't do rally to get money. We don't get paid for doing this. We are doing this for our country's sake and I have no idea how our government has failed to understand our notion. We are not doing this for ourselves. We are doing this for our country, our people.

In a long time, I never felt such frustration over my country, but now I couldn't help but feel that way yet again because we, citizens, have been shamed by our government. They do not even treat us as human beings anymore. We are just dogs dressed in yellow t-shirt to them.

They think that they can throw some kibbles to us and we will be satisfied. No, we won't. We will not be satisfied until we can get what we want.

And that is final.

I hope the rally will bring change to our government, to our nation. I hope what I assumed is wrong. I hope things will be better after this weekend. I hope the government will lower their head and listen to what we have to say.

We all know that without the people, there will be no nation. If the government still fail to understand that, they they can go fuck themselves in the assholes.

..gym-phobia..

2011-07-04T10:46:00.000+08:00

I am trying to be a little bit healthier by going to the gym. The gym at my place is not that great anyway. Three treadmills are broken, I don't even dare to inspect the others. But the bicycle thingy still fine to use.

I got a little gung ho this morning as I dressed myself in a loose t-shirt, sweatpants and trainers. Brought along with me a little towel, a bottle of water and my mp3 player which I will use to motivate myself to cycle more or whatever.

Then I took the elevator down and head towards the gym. I passed by two skinny girls on my way to the gym. They both looked at me in a way that I can only tell is basically "Urgh, why is this fat ass going to the gym? She can't be helped!"

Then, I opened the gym door, about ten thousand people (okay lah, I like to exaggerate! about 4 people) in the gym looked at me abruptly.

My response? Close the door immediately and ran back to the elevator. Go back upstairs and into my house.

Me overreacting? Yes, maybe. Perhaps. But you have no idea how scared I am of the gym. Not because of the regime, not because of the cruel exercise (in fact, I love to jog on the treadmill and cycle!) but because of the people.

Personally, people who go to gym are some holy moly health freaks. They think they are better than everyone on earth coz they are healthier. But they fail to understand that they will die anyway.

And I never seen a fat ass bum like me going into a gym before. For some reasons, gym freaks are always skinny or muscular and definitely does not look like I do.

If not because I started to feel breathless as I run to catch a bus or walking up the stairs, I wouldn't go to the gym. I just want to be healthier. Of course I want to be slimmer than now, but mostly because I think my heart is starting to fail me. And I just turned 22 not long ago.

I have no idea why people like to stare at the fattest person in the gym or whatever place. I guess it's because we stood out like sore, fat and swollen thumb. But I guess they don't even realise that they are staring coz nobody ever realises that they are staring.

I am overly sensitive, I admit. But I really hate to exercise in the open. That is why I don't jog in parks near my house, I don't go to any gym, or do I join my sisters in aerobic classes.

Truth is, I hate to let people see my fat ass bouncing up and down in the public. I hate the stares. I hate how they look at me, point at me, whispers something to each other and laugh their ass off. I can already guess what they are saying. Trust me, I'd seen that happen.

I am an extremely paranoid person. I think things that way and it's difficult for me to change my paranoid behaviour.

I know you will tell me to, NOT care about those people. Just do what you think that is right. Why bother, right?

I can't. I just can't. I cannot bring myself to exercise in front of others. I cannot expose my bouncing boobs and bum to people. I cannot let people say anything- ANYTHING about me when I am working out. I wanted to go to the gym early in the morning like this because I thought there won't be anyone there. But I was wrong. And I met a bunch of skinny girls who looks like they are going to break a bone while they are cycling.

What about exercising in your own house? Inside the house? In your own compound, you ask.

If, I could, I won't be typing this to you right now. I cannot concentrate on exercise when I am in my home. Because I have the internet. I have a bed, I have chairs.

I did try to jog in one place just now, but I couldn't do more than 5 minutes and I switch on my computer. I have very little strong-will for exercise. I can stop myself from buying too much crap but I cannot make myself exercise for more than 5 minutes.

I wasn't even trying to be a skinny bitch. I just want to be healthy. Dammit. Gym people ruined it for me. I hate them! I should re-title Gym-phobia to Gymfreaksphobia.

Gosh, I really just want to be able to walk up the stairs or run around the mall without feeling like I am going to die in three seconds.

I shall find some other place where I can do my exercise quietly, listening to my mp3, alone and nobody staring at me.

I really feel like shite right now. Hope I will feel better later today. I shall get ready to work now. I hope you have a better morning than me.

Have a great day, folks.
suwa.

..meh..

2011-07-02T01:54:00.000+08:00

I can has cat by mich.

..nails..

2011-07-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

I do have a crazy mood swing lately. Lately? WHO am I kidding?!!!

I don't know. I guess I really just need some time to get out of the city. It's driving me mad. There are so much going on that I really need to get out now.

Therefore, I am driving back to hometown tomorrow with papa and sis. And I will eat all the food that I've been craving for. And I will drive around town like I used to when I was 19.

At least for two days... At least for two days I don't have to think so much about work, friends and the city.

I'm also planning for a trip to the beach with my colleague. We 'll see if that will happen any time soon.

I just need to get out. Out of the mess, out of the people, out of the noise, out of the concrete jungle!

I just... need to breathe.

..+ & -..

2011-07-01T15:58:00.001+08:00

Even until today, I am on the brink of tears.

..emotions..

2011-06-30T23:28:00.001+08:00

I know I can make a storm out of a tea cup. I know how I can be over-paranoid or over-excited over some things.

Things that I get paranoid over may seem very foolish to you. But these things mean a world to me. That is why I care. That is why I sometimes go crazy over it.

My work, my job, my salary is important to me. Once in a while I will complain about some minor stuff about my work, but I never once said I hate my job. In fact, I love my work so much that I don't think I can ever find another one as interesting or as close-knit as this.

I will die if I ever lose this job due to some unlikely circumstances.

But then I thought to myself, I do not even deserve this job. I have zero qualifications. I feel so darn insecure with my position that I feel I will be fired or let go by my company if they find someone better than me.

To think of it, ANYONE is better than me. Anyone armed with a certificate is BETTER than me.

Who am I but a lowlife being who has zero knowledge on what she suppose to do on her job?

I am so insecure to the point that whenever interns are hired, I feel that the company might hire them permanently and kick me out of my comfy space- my second home. An intern can pose such horror in me, what more if a full-time staff?

A news broke out today that they are hiring somebody new to my department. Immediately I feel like the worse thing on earth.

I feel as if I am so useless that they need to hire another person to do my work.

I feel like my position is threaten and I will lose my job within two months. And all the hard work fighting for a higher salary for the past 17 months will have nothing to do with me anymore.

I feel like the whole friggin department hates me. There must be something wrong with me. Logically, hiring another person has absolutely nothing to do with me. I'm just being paranoid, I know.

I feel like I should just quit my job before they fire me. That is always how I do things. Quit before being told to. At least I won't feel as heart broken as getting fired.

If you think that I over-react this time around, please think. Anything can happen. Anything.

No matter how hard I work or how much I try to do better in my work, I still easily feel threaten. My insecurity is so bad I couldn't even find a way to cure it.

Now I feel empty. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. Which is good because I should stop thinking about it.

I can hide in the toilet and cry all I want. I can drive around town and cry in my car. But that does not change a thing. I wish crying can help. I wish things will get easier. I wish they never hired another person. I wish I had tertiary education.

I wish I can feel something now. I wish I can smile and laugh, and actually feel happy. But I can't.

I think I just need a good night sleep and wake up feeling better about everything. I just... want to be able to feel something again.

I'm numb.

..secret..

2011-06-28T16:27:00.000+08:00

I guess everyone has secrets, right?

I am just really surprise that I am able to keep this particular secret for so darn long. In fact, I start to forget about it and it's fading away as years go by.

It is the past, I shouldn't really pay so much attention to it and move on with life. The past can be important, but sometimes, it's best to let go of it and just look forward to the future instead.

For me, the future is mind-boggling. Therefore, I would rather look forward to present days instead and not care what's going to happen in the future.

We can never see beyond the horizon, we can only walk towards it with confidence and the strength to overcome what's to become of us.

suwa.

..nanami..

2011-06-27T17:40:00.000+08:00

It has been long since my last post. I couldn't find anything to write about here so, I just kinda... abandoned it. But, here I am, back, healthy, fatter and joyful, to announce my new baby, Nanami.

I FINALLY OWN A SLIDE PHONEEEE!!!!

You have no idea how much I want a slide phone! I always wanted either a slide phone or a clam-shell phone. But I never get to buy it coz I never really buy my own phones. My first mobile phone, Nokia 2100, which I call Nabiki, was a present from my father after a long time bugging. I was 15.

Then my second phone was Natsumi, a Sony Ericsson model (forgotten which), that I bought almost immediately after my National Service term. I bought it but I was influenced by my brother at that time.

After that, I dream of a slide phone or a clam-shell phone for the longest but will never have any budget to get it. Later when my sister changed to an iPhone, she gave me her old Nokia phone (dunno what model) and I used it until December last year when the screen died on me. T_T

Then, I borrowed my brother's old Sony Ericsson model and used it until now that I cannot stand it anymore that I've decided to get a new phone. But, what prompt me to actually get the phone is mainly because... I got angpau from my sisters. Or else, I won't be getting one myself.

I have no idea why I always feel reluctant to buy a phone. To spend RM600 at once is just... I don't know... a little too much for me? And I don't want to use my credit card to buy anything except for my petrol. (I have very strong control of my spending seriously)

So, when I get enough money, I finally get the luxury I want.

I am never crazy about gadgets and smartphones that seems like everyone is interested in now. All I want is a phone that I can call and send messages with. Well, now I want a wi-fi function because it's nice. ;P

I was slightly confused with Nanami-chan in the beginning because there are quite a lot of difference between her and my other Sony Ericsson phones. But now I'm getting used to the functions and I couldn't stop sliding Nanami up and down (erm..)

I'm really happy with my new darling!

I have a 4gb mini sd memory card in Nanami and I couldn't figure out what I can store in it. So far I put 47 songs, a few pix and I still left around 3.8gb space. =_= is a 4gb card really necessary?

Oh, one thing I don't like about the phone though, is the backspace button. The 'C' -cancel- button is quite a pain in the arse to push. But I guess, I will be used to it sooner or later. Hmm.. Anyway.... this is my tiny update and will be back soon for more? (I doubt it).

Err.. That's all for today and well, see ya!

suwa.

..ni ju ni..

2011-06-21T15:11:00.000+08:00

So, I turned 22. /audience-cheer-clap

I never really had a birthday party except for that one time when I was 10. I guess it's important coz my age will no longer be a single digit. But even that birthday party, the attendance was about 10 people consisting mostly of my neighbours.

Birthdays are always kind of insignificant for me. I mean, if a year is added to your age when the clock turns 12midnight on the new year's eve, then isn't that your birthday already? I had been a 22 year-old adult since January 1, 2011. So, what is the significance of June 9, 2011?

Anyway, this year around there isn't any cakes or candles. I didn't even go out my friends to 'celebrate' the day. I just went out with my cousin to watch X-Men: First Class again (omgomgomnosebleedjamesmcavoyomg) and had a nice dinner at Sushi Zanmai. It had been a long time since I had good food from Zanmai. Always wanted to eat there but my friends do not like Japanese food. Quite sad. Also, I get the best gift in my life from my cousin. She's so awesome. I will show you what she gave me when I manage to snap a photo of it soon!

The night after, Friday, June 10, which is my father's birthday, he came down to ze land of mud and we kinda celebrated together. When I said kinda, it means, we went out for dinner but nobody really acknowledged the birthdays. No birthday song, no cake, no candles. Just the way I like it.

First of all, I never liked a birthday cake. I'm not too much for sweet stuff since I lost my sweet tooth when I turned 18. The only cake I like now is cheese cake and occasionally chocolate cake. And they always get me these weird spongecake with tonnes of whipped cream on top. I don't like whipped cream either.

Secondly, the next thing I don't want apart from the spongy cake, is the whole friggin family singing 'Happy Birthday' aloud in a restaurant. Unless we are sitting in a VIP room, I recommend nobody do that to embarrass a family member.

Thirdly, I am just as happy as I could be with my family without all those superficial things. I had loads of fun on that Friday night. Nothing can beat our own Chan family's brand of humour and the silliest things we can think of about life.

Nothing much changed since my birthday. Been breathing normally and eating as much as I can as usual. Except that I finally found the courage to do and say things that had been bothering me for the longest time. As of now, I am at peace. Back on track with my own work, life and nothing will ever get me offtrack from it anymore.

I often forget that my job is the most important thing in my life. How many times in one's life can find such an intriguing job? Moreover, on as one's first job in life. I plan to stick with this job until there are significant changes that will make me loathe it. For now, I am loving every single bit of it.

I am a very very lucky person. My work is my luckiest find so far. For that, I am grateful for all the things I have right now.

Most of the time I tell myself to not ask for so much because I have no qualifications at all. Therefore, I should be contented with what's given to me in these two years. But of course, I won't be able to get all these if weren't for my hard work, or the lack thereof. heheh

Anyway, I don't have much to talk about today. I am just glad that everything turns out fine and I no longer have to worry about things that will not affect me in the future, or even mean anything to me anymore.

That's all for today. Goodbye.

suwa.

..falls..

2011-06-19T19:57:00.000+08:00

As I sat silently on the chair facing my computer's monitor, reading meaningful thoughts on the internet, a jumble of nonsensical, uninspired words, misspellings, incomplete sentences and empty ramblings with grammatical errors, pops up continuously like a stream of water rushing down the river- meaningless, senseless, aimless and trifling material in the subject of English.

..busy busy..

2011-06-15T21:52:00.002+08:00

These coming couple of months is going to be busy busy for me! It's already mid June and by next month I'm going to sort things out for ze big plan of September.

September, 2011 is going to be a great month for me. It is something that needs months of preparation and without the preparation it might not even be a success. Therefore, I shall be working hard towards that goal and dream of mine.

Hopefully everything will go according to plan and September will be an adventure for me.

Work wise, I am finally back and track and very happy that I manage to steer my way back to where I came from and who I really am. Never did I ever feel so diverted and lost track until recently and good thing that someone gave me a wake up call and now I am finally back at home.

I am mentally exhausted lately and admittedly got even more easily annoyed and irritated than usual. That cannot be helped especially when there are so many nonsense things agitate my emotions.

I have once again given up hope in people and I am back to my singular life form. I think it is best that I stay away from most people as possible. I am not exactly a saint to begin with. Unlike them, who are ultra mighty saints from the future who came back to the past to give ultimate advices and teach others how to behave and live their lives, I am simply just a human being who wants to breathe and live a normal and obscure life.

I am now contemplating something that I should have done long time ago. I think I shall do what I feel like doing. And quit whining about it anymore.I will see how things go, okay?

Once again, I am left dazed and confused.

..hatred..

2011-06-14T19:31:00.003+08:00

Well, it's time for you to endure hate posts from me again. I had been trying so hard to stop hating. But I had consumed too much hatred that I need some outlet or else I will just die in a pile of hatred shite.

I don't listen to indie music. I don't listen to indie rock bands. I don't listen to mushy mushy lyrics that doesn't make sense or hipster music.

And I don't give a flying fuck what you are listening to or what you like to listen to. I don't fucking care. Is that easier for you to understand? You need me to fucking cuss at you so that you can understand better?

No, I am not the kind of cool indie girl. I am not your manic pixie dream girl. I fucking hate manic pixie dream girls.They should not exist in films! They are ruining the industry. That is why I like Emily Deschanel more than the sister who is obviously a manic pixie dream girl.

No, I don't listen to all those COOL music you all listen to.

I love my pop-ish Ayumi Hamasaki just fine. I like my pop-jazz Norah Jones just fine. I love my Shibuya-kei, Capsule just fine. I like my brother's band just fine. I like my post-rock Inspirative and Toe just fine. I love my anime soundtracks just fine. I love my movie soundtracks just fine. I like perfect harmonies just fine. I like Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald just fine. I like my instrumental music just fine.

I am not cool. I am never cool. I don't want to be cool. I want to be myself.

My liking for music varies. I don't have a specific tune that I love. I love everything just fine. At times I want to listen to electro-pop. At times, I want to listen to sappy ballads. At times I want to dance to shibuya-kei. At times I want to head-bang to post-rock.

I like my kind of music just fine. But did I ever goes on and on on twitter and blog and tumblr and facebook just to tell everyone how 'cool' I am listening too all these 'cool' songs?

"oh i'm so cool i'm so cool i'm so cool i'm going to hashtag every single songs I listen to, just to show the whole world how awesome I am!"

I am not the cool girl you want or expect me to be. I am the conventional girl who listen to Ayumi Hamasaki and basically worship her awesomeness for years.

What mainstream? What indie? What? I don't give a fuck about those. I like everything just fine. I won't even deny that I have very shallow tastes on music. In fact, I agree! I don't give much fucks for music. At least I am not pretentious enough to act like I knew everything about things I don't know or give a damn about.

Most of all, I don't care what music you like. End of story. Good night.

update: Ah well, seems like not everyone can handle criticism. and of course, they are the perfect and the right ones, not me. I am the imperfect evil soul. This is not new. I knew that years ago.

..so I said..

2011-06-13T22:21:00.003+08:00

Impeccable.

..Happy Birthday, Johnny..

2011-06-09T23:53:00.001+08:00

Dear Johnny, Happy 48th birthday. I wish I can tell you how much I love you in person and how happy I am to be one of the thousands of people who shared the same birthday as you. Or how good-looking you are. Or how your hair flows so perfectly like waves at the sea. Oh, how I wish I can see your right into your eyes one day. My birthday wish this year remains the same. To see you right before me before I cease to exist one day. You might just be the reason why I entered this profession. I love you so much. I know I had been straying for the past few weeks but my love to you are always greater than the other blue-eyed boys I laid my eyes on. To me, you are the epitome of perfection.

Hope you had a fine birthday today. Goodnight, darl.

From across the globe,
Suwa.

..6 minutes..

2011-06-08T23:56:00.000+08:00

A couple more minutes and I am one year older. I am not going to mention how pathetic I am right now. I am going to rejoice and fall onto the bed with my cat on my arms. It was a quiet year and I shall end it in serenity.

Good night and be well.

suwa.

..fangirl..

2011-06-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

Nothing.... Just want to turn my blog into a James McAvoy shrine for a while.

I dedicate this picture to Michelle. Ehem ehem....

suwa.

..dreading..

2011-06-06T00:44:00.000+08:00

This was a nice weekend. Quiet but fun. But it is time to turn my head back into reality. Oh, work... Here I come.

..tongue twisters..

2011-06-04T20:27:00.000+08:00

Languages fascinates me. Languages fascinates me as much as the subjects of life, death, suicides, murders, serial killers and cannibals fascinate me.

Hmm.. that's not quite the right way to start a conversation... Anyway...

I often find myself confused of my feelings towards this country. But recent years I realised I don't particularly hate this country. I just hate the politics, the hypocrisy of the politicians, the unfairness of public welfare, the terrible and incompetent study systems, and well, the racism.

Other than those, I find myself being proud to be a citizen in this country. But that does not mean that I plan to stay here forever. I still constantly planning for my future staying abroad. I told a lot of people that I do not believe in marriages but if by getting married can bring me away from this country, I will definitely dabble in a marriage so I can get a citizenship in another country. (that is, if there is an idiot who actually wants to marry me muahahahahhahaha)

Back to the subject why I love this country. It's easy. Multicultural. If I do not live here, I will not be able to speak three languages. The only things that makes me proud to be a Malaysian besides the food, is how we can converse in three languages easily.

I am by birth, a Chinese with Cantonese heritage. Yes, there are more than one dialect in Chinese. There are Mandarin, Cantonese, Hokkien, Teochew, Hakka etc. My parents speak Cantonese to my siblings and I since we were babies.

Two other major Chinese dialects in Malaysia besides Cantonese, is Hokkien and Mandarin.I do not particularly understand those two dialects until I was 10 when my mom started babysitting these kids who speak only Hokkien and Mandarin. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with them that I started to teach them Cantonese.

To this day I can understand Mandarin and Hokkien very well, can speak these dialects too but with difficulties and friends often laughed at me when I do.

I speak basically full Cantonese at home and I did not know how fluent my Cantonese were until in these couple of years when I listen to some recordings I made during some interviews with Hongkong artistes. I was kind of shock to realised that the level of Cantonese I spoke is on par with the Hongkies. Intonation and usage of words, my Cantonese is actually quite Hongky myself! wtf

Anyway, when I started schooling, I am required to learn Malay and English. For years, my Malay was better than my English. I can say that from I was aged 9 until 16, Bahasa Melayu (I refuse to call it Bahasa Malaysia. There is no such thing as Bahasa Malaysia) was my strong suit, speaking and writing wise. Then I started to head downhill when I turned 16.

Since I was a child my father had brainwashed me into thinking that I must/shall/will be a lawyer. But when I turned 16, my English teacher made me fell in love with the English language. I was never really that interested in English until she came along in my life. To this day, I keep telling people that she was the one who changed my life entirely. I wish to tell her that myself, one day.

At that time I thought my English was stupendous too. Until I was in Form 6 that I realised my English sucks ass.

Not only that my grammar and vocabulary are horrendous (they still are, now...), I couldn't' build a proper sentence that time! Luckily, I had a year and a half chance to learn English all over again and I never regretted my year in Form 6 although I never got into any colleges or universities.

I was so into my English lessons that I neglected my Malay language. I do regret that right now. But luckily, I can still converse in Malay although I couldn't hold a conversation in Malay long enough until I start to change to English again. Sometimes, when I am speaking with my friends I do not know if I should speak to them in Malay or English.Then my tongue got tied and I start to pronouncing words wrongly.

Also a problem, I stutter. I think the only language I do not stutter in is my Cantonese. I stutter and stammers in English and Malay. It's horrible.

That is why, I feel a lot more comfortable in Cantonese than any other language. After all, that is my mother tongue. The second language I can converse easily is English.

I love being a Malaysian because you naturally can speak in three languages without much effort! If I ever had a chance to travel to other countries, I will proudly say that I am a Malaysian and I will start to show off how multicultural we are to the point that we can speak in so many languages.

I think the only language I wish we had learn since we were children was Tamil. Well, why not?!

But, speaking languages is one thing. And writing is another.

Although I am a Chinese, but I never learn how to write Chinese. I am not even sure how to write my own name in Chinese! I wanted to learn writing Chinese when I was 9 but the teacher who taught us Chinese classes in my school was a bitch. I still remember what she told my mother and I.

I walked into that class filled with 20 to 30 eager students. I was a little late. The teacher looked at me with those despising eyes. I never fully understood why she can be such a bitch. She said in her egoist voice, "Oh, sorry. AS you can see, my class is full. I cannot take another student anymore."

She had no idea what impact she had on me that time. I was crushed and ashamed by her tone when she spoke to me, like I have no right to learn Chinese. I already bought exercise books and was so eager to learn my ancestor language! I went home and cried for hours. (so emo, wtf!) And my parents was worried, so they asked my eldest sister to teach me. She did, but after that she got busy with her exams (and boys), she stopped.

Well, about that bias teacher, one week after that day, her class reduced to 6 students. One more month, the class is canceled. She was never seen in my school anymore.Somehow, I rejoiced.

Therefore, the only languages I can write right now is English and Malay. But that is not really a problem, because as you can see right now, we are all writing in English.

I really love the power of languages. Language is like a bridge, it connects people. That is why I constantly find myself wanting to learn another language!

I wanted to learn Japanese, then I saw how difficult it is from my cousin who is learning it right now. Then my second love is French. So, I've decided to take on French sometime in the near future. I will see how. Language classes are not cheap yo!

Well, I guess this is all I want to write here. I just want to say that language unlike some natural born skill like music and singing. Language is something you can learn and improve on. So, if you do not write or speak proper languages, go on improving and continue to learn!

I am very long-winded and I doubt there is anybody who read all this text. But meh...

Have a good day! I'm off to bathe my cat! Good evening all!

suwa.

..six-hundredth..

2011-06-03T13:43:00.005+08:00

I have very little to say lately. I already said it all in my twitter. I feel sorry for those guys who are following me, really.

Reaching 600th post finally since my first post in 2007. When I started blogging, I wanted to be a blogger. I wanted to be famous like other famous bloggers at that time. But this is no longer the case. Nowadays, I cringe when I hear people call themselves blogger, just because they own a blog. Or when other people call me blogger just because I own a blog.

It is very simple, really. I have a blog, I blog, but I am not a blogger. I am simply a writer who vents out her emotion in a little space in the world wide web. Okay, I am not a writer, I am a ranter.

A blogger nowadays no longer means an author of a blog or a person who keeps and updates a blog. A blogger nowadays means, someone who got paid to write advertorials, or a person who wants to be hip and famous or someone who is truly a famewhore. Well, that is at least, how I view bloggers nowadays.

Reading a blog five years ago was reading a person's journal in life. A glimpse into a stranger's life. It basically answers to the question - ' I wonder what are the other people doing with their lives now, at the same time I am quietly living my life'.

Reading a blog now is reading advertisements. That is the purpose of blogs, nowadays. To spread advertisements. Genuine blogs are so hard to come by lately.

I don't want to know which telco is doing promotion, or which restaurant is having vouchers or new menu. I don't want to know which product is good for you or which camera you should buy, as if we do not know you are only writing this because somebody is paying you to write.

I dislike advertisement. In fact, I hate the whole consumerism and the massive advertising nowadays. As I drove through the highway heading back to hometown once, I wanted to enjoy the scenery, the trees, the hills, BUT all I saw was constant flashing of huge billboards in the middle of NO WHERE. One after another, one after another one after another.

I feel so tired of it all. Not only when I play a video on youtube, I have to watch a fucking 30 seconds advertisement, I also have to endure all the stupid billboards on a scenic view.

I feel that everything is getting way out of hands. It is uncontrollable.

What makes me feel worse is that how my work is so advertising driven to the point that I think journalism had finally lost it's meaning.

Journalism no longer means the practice of investigation and reporting of events, issues, and trends to a broad audience. Journalism nowadays mean, SHOVING advertisements down your readers' throat without them realising it.

I feel sick. I feel repulsed.

I think I finally found out why I feel stuck and start to dislike certain things about my work. All the fake smiles, all the fake conversations... I am so sick of them.

But I am a rational person. I know that I cannot let these things affect my love for writing and sharing information. I still love to write but some days, I wish I can write whatever I like without following certain protocols and requirements.

I feel tired. Mentally drained. All my brain juice are gone. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know what to think about anymore.

Maybe because it has been five months and I only took one day off for CNY. I really need a holiday. I took two days out of next week off. I hope I can find solace from the four-day weekend next week.

There is no point to this post. My blog posts always makes no sense or have any points. I just want to write whatever I feel like writing because this is the only place my fingers can dance across the keyboard without the need of using flowery vocabulary or the right usage of grammar. Or without the need of my brain scrambling out meaningful phrases.

I shall continue drinking my coffee and typing out articles that does not mean anything to me.

Have a great Friday, all. Enjoy your weekend.

I would like to do a little shout out here to my cousin, Michelle!!! Congratulation that you are graduating tomorrow!!! Cannot believe we are all so grown up already! Remember those days when we were 9 and playing doctor and patient in your house? (I know you don't! ;D) Anyhoo, congrats and study well in your Japanese course and I know you will be doing great in the future! Don't worry and have confidence in yourself! Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a great artist! Have faith in yourself! I labyu!! Looking forward to September yo! ^^

Alrighty, once again, have a nice day. and enjoy your weekend. Bye for now. Also, enjoy this video I took from Malacca's The Baboon House.

The cat was saved by my cousin few months back. I helped her sent him away to her friend and I shoved him into my bag that time hehe. And the 'mommy' I meant is my cousin, of course. We still call the cat her 'son' to this day. Also, pardon my stupid and annoying voice. Next time I will remind myself to shut up when I am recording a video.

suwa.

..james oh james..

2011-05-31T01:53:00.000+08:00

Why are you so pretty, James?

..muacks!..

2011-05-30T00:52:00.000+08:00

I can so watch this forever...

..stop, get out..

2011-05-27T16:18:00.000+08:00

..utter..

2011-05-26T23:21:00.001+08:00

I have so much to say but I don't know what to say.

..two weeks..

2011-05-26T17:06:00.003+08:00

Instead of 22 shots of tequila, can I have 22 shots of caffè espresso?

..Melakalaka..

2011-05-25T16:11:00.000+08:00

So.. I went to Malacca recently for a treasure hunt. I took quite a few photographs during my two-day stay there. I won't be providing much captions for the photos, I will let the photos speaks for themselves.

Hope you enjoyed my pictorials. My blog is like this, when there are a lot of words, there are A LOT of words. When there are a lot of photos, there are A LOT of photos.

I still haven't found a way to mix them both together and make a nicely balanced blog post. But, really, who cares?

Have a great day. Bye for now.

Suwa

..two and a half week..

2011-05-23T00:56:00.000+08:00

It suddenly dawned me that I am turning 22 in two and a half week time. If you know me, growing up or growing old does not matter to me.

The only thing matters to me is I made use of every single year of my life to do something worthy.

But, what had I achieved right now, being a 21 years and 11 months old? What had I achieved so far? What the hell am I doing now?

I am just hoping that by the time I turn 24, I will be someone who is already leading her ideal life, useful to the society and have very little to worry about in life.

For now, I hope by turning 22, I will be a year older, a year wiser and minor problems will cease to exist.

Please, let me be a happy person when I turn 22. Thanks.

Suwa.

..hunt..

2011-05-22T20:28:00.000+08:00

Went for a treasure hunt with my colleagues yesterday. I'm so dead tired now but still cannot get myself away from the computer.

Anyways, we won the fifth prize and got a little cash prize. Not a lot, but we are happy to win something. We worked really really hard on the hunt!

But I realised, when you are in a team of people who are really positive and will not show their temper easily, treasure hunt can be really fun. We laughed and cracked jokes at various things while we were hunting so that the situation will not get too serious.

In this experience, I learn how to be patient and not to lash out and people easily. I hope I can be like that for a while. Hahahaha.

Anyway, I just want to say that treasure hunting is fun. The last time I did my treasure hunt I swear I will not join another because it's too exhausting and too stress. But after this time, it changes my mind and I think I might participate in another hunt in the future. We will see how, alright?

I took a few photos from my trip to Malacca. Nothing much of historical stuff though but just some random stuff. Yesterday I wanted to go to The Baboon House to see the cat my cousin saved months ago. But they closed after 6pm, I think and by the time I want to go there, they already closed. I was so disappointed coz I don't think I will go to Malacca so soon in the near future.

But luckily some of my colleagues want to buy something at Jonker again this afternoon and I was delighted to hear that. As soon as I arrived there I went to The Baboon House at once.

And I finally found the cat. I was so happy just to see him. I took a lot of photos and a video of him for my cousin. After all, she almost kept him to herself and he spent a week with her before they depart. To this day, we refer the cat as her son. Hahahah.

I will try to write about my trip to Malacca tomorrow. Now, I would like to take a nap or just rest. Will update soon.

Good evening and have a great Sunday.

Suwa.

..tall grass and red balloon..

2011-05-17T17:53:00.007+08:00

I have this specific memory of my childhood which I often recollect whenever I sit down somewhere and doing nothing.

The scene starts with the four year-old me, standing in front of my kindergarten, holding on to a thin white string that leads to a big red balloon hovering far above my head. It was a fun day. It was one of my classmate’s birthday.

We had so much fun licking ice cream and devouring cakes. I particularly loved the jelly in that tiny little plastic cones. My fingers were sticky from the sugary liquid of the jelly. I licked in between my pointer and middle fingers. The sweetness of the red strawberry jelly still lingers.

It was a hot and sunny but rather cloudy day. I look at the red balloon hovering on top of my head and the sky beyond it. The balloon blocked the sun from hurting my eyes. The weather made me feel even sleepier than before, when I was in the class.

Suddenly, I felt the presence of my teacher standing behind me. I was the last one left there at the kindergarten. Most of my friends already went back. Mom was always the last to pick me up.

Teacher put her palm on the back of my head and made a slight circular movement on my scalp. I liked that. I always liked it when someone put their hands on my head. It made me feel small. It made me feel comfortable. It made me feel happy.

Then from afar, I heard the familiar sound of bicycle tyres going round and round along the tar road, making popping sounds along the way as it occasionally runs over tiny little rocks and finally, the braking sound as mom squeezed the front brake to the handle grip.

I smiled. Mom put her bicycle aside and proceed to greet my teacher. They both talked about me. I didn’t pay much attention to what they said, though. I could never understand what the grown ups say anyway.

As they paid no attention to me after they started chatting, I slowly walked further away from the gate of the school, and went skipping along the tar road. It was a quiet neighbourhood. There were very few cars at that place, so I had no fear whatsoever and continued to skipped ahead, and set my destination - the big field with tall grass and a swing set beside my kindergarten.

Finally mom saw what I was trying to do, called me out aloud and told me to get back inside. And so I did.

However, their conversation was utterly boring for a four year-old me. Although I stood by mom’s side for the next five minutes, I still couldn’t stand standing still and not doing anything. My feet wanted to skip along the road again and head over the field and swings!

Five more minutes into their conversations, I tucked my mom’s blouse and asked if I can be excused to play alone beside the road, but I promised not to walk any further or to the field. She nodded her head and continued her chit chat with my teacher.

My eyes gleamed with happiness and my feet carried me out of the kindergarten as quickly as possible. But of course, which four year-old will keep her promise? I soon walked into the big field, heading towards the swing set.

I pranced and danced along the field, holding on to my red balloon. I even looped it around my right wrist a few times, to make sure that it will not fly up to the sky and leave me. I had this thinking that as long as the balloon is close to me and I can see it, I will never lose it.

As I pranced and danced my way to the swing set, I realised that the grass are getting taller and taller. The swing set is about ten to twenty steps away, but it seems that the grass are starting to reach to my chest. Mom mentioned about snakes. Should I be worried? ‘Nah, I am a snake baby myself, snakes won’t bite me! I can do this’ I told myself.

I waved my hands to push the grass away from me so I can walk properly on the tall coarse grass. But I did not know that one particular wave would stings my heart so badly that I still can remember it to this day.

At one moment, I had forgotten about my red balloon and as I push the grass away and I pulled my own arm to myself, that swift movement sent my balloon floating low among the coarse grass and *pop* it went.

I remember seeing the carcass of my red balloon slowly falling on to the grass. Lifeless. It is not round anymore. It does not bounce anymore. Just lying there, with the white string tied to my right wrist.

I looked at it and I looked at the swing set. I felt like crying. My red balloon. Gone, just like that. I still remember how bouncy it was when teacher let me choose it among the other balloons. I remember how it shaded my eyes from the sun just a moment ago.

I wanted to drag it along as mom fetch me on her bicycle, let it flow with the wind. I want to show it to my sisters and brother, what a beautiful red balloon it was. I wanted run around and let my dog, Bobby, chase it. I wanted to hold it and let it floats with me on the swing.

Before I could do or say anything, I heard mom calling me out from a far, telling me to come back at once and leave the field. As I turned around and walked towards the kindergarten, teacher and mom, I slowly untie the string knot on my right wrist.

And as I got out of the field, I pull the string away from my wrist and gather it and the lifeless vivid red balloon together and hurled it to the field. It fell into the maze of tall grass. And I never saw the red balloon again. Then I slowly walked to mom and teacher. Mom gave me a small lecture about the field and told me not to get in there anymore.

I looked up at her and solemnly told her about my red balloon’s demise. Mom said it was my fault, because I brought it along to the field. Teacher offered another balloon in blue for me, but I declined. It’s.. just not the same balloon anymore.

Soon after, mom finally finished her conversation with the teacher, and told me to get to the bicycle. I sat on the back seat and mom at the front. Normally, I would bid goodbye to my teacher with rigorous waving. But not that day. I hugged my mom’s waist tightly and I looked over to the big field with tall grass.

I closed my eyes and whispered, “Goodbye”.

I don't know why this memory stayed with me for so long and it is the only memory that lingers around whenever I am not in deep thoughts. But this piece of memory made me smile and feel nostalgic.

There is nothing important in this post. I just want to write it down before I forget about it one day. And writing this made me feel peaceful and it frees me from the cluttered matters in my mind right now.

I wish I knew the significance of the red balloon and tall grass myself. Maybe I will find that out one day myself.

Suwa.

..goodbye..

2011-05-16T00:18:00.000+08:00

I can listen to this all day long...

Ahhh... the brilliance of Toe. I love post-rock so darn much!